A Plane ride

Three weeks ago Bryson and I flew up to Kelowna to be with my family for christmas. This was Brysons 8th flight in 2 years Id say we are pretty good at traveling together now, I call him my seasoned pro. The toddler 3 rows back from us was anything but a seasoned pro that poor girl wanted to be anywhere but on a air plane. Over the 3 hour flight I watched as annoyed passengers rolled eyes, huffed and puffed, one man even took it as far as to smack the back of his hand as if to say he was going to smack the child. The poor mother was flustered, and desperate for her child to just be quite. She kept shushing her and putting her in time out by strapping her into the seat so she couldn't move. This of course made things much worse. Wheels touched down, the flight was over, Bryson jumped up on the seat and was looking at the people all around. The lady behind us said to him " What a good boy you are, thank you for not breaking my ear drum". Another man said " I didn't even know you had a child on here what a good boy you have". As I walked off the plane a lady said " what a well behaved son you have, he didn't make a sound, unlike that other child." I replied " I know poor thing" Her response was "poor thing? more like spoiled brat". Ummm what? Can someone please explain this to me? If a child is quite and doesn't bother your life then they are good? But if they are having a hard time they are a spoiled brat? Where does this attitude come from?

Brysons top 3 favorite things are 1. His mommy 2. Reading stories 3. coloring he also is not a high energy child, and well he has been flying since he was 2 months old. So naturally as long as Im prepared with stories, coloring books, and good snacks the flight is a breeze. For a child who is high energy, who needs to move flying is a nightmare especially with a unprepared mother who is flustered. This does not make bryson good and it especially does not make the other child bad. Why do we think this way? Why are such high expectations placed on children?  This poor toddler was in a strange place, where she was forced to sit still, her mom had annoyed eyeballs on her making her unkind to her, there was nothing to distract her. I mean this poor girl was anything but spoiled it was actually the opposite none of this girls needs were being met, where all of Brysons needs were being met making him "spoiled". Why don't we have more grace? Why don't we have more empathy? Why do we have such bad attitudes toward children?

Its almost like we are so obsessed with having well behaved children, that their humanness means we fail as parents. Sometimes I feel that christians parents have the hardest time with this, the desperation to have obedient children. What does this show your child? A true picture of who their heavenly father is? A good understanding of Gods love? I often wonder why so many adolescent kids leave the church. My guess is that they haven't been given the freedom to be, the freedom to be human. That from a early age these huge expectations have been held over their heads, with shame and guilt. Making this God so untouchable, so judgmental. So they leave to find acceptance in people, places and things. Leaving their parents saying "where did we go wrong"? Not ever realizing that they never truly painted a true picture of Gods wondrous love.  What if God treated us like that? With control, expectation, guilt, shame and punishment? Then called it "unconditional" love and said "I only do it because I love you" Confusing isn't it?
I wonder what would have happened if every time that mother made eye contact with someone on that flight they smiled, gave a kind nod. Even went as far to touch her arm and say " don't worry my daughter always had a hard time on air planes" and offered her daughter a sticker, or something to play with from their purse. I wonder if that would then give that mother the grace to look at her child with kind eyes saying " I know its hard and you want to run and jump, but what else could be do to pass the time? Would you like to tell stories or look at all the clouds out the window". What if we stopped labeling children as good or bad, or thinking they needed to fit into our box of expectations. I wonder what kind of adults they would turn out to be.

Nite nite friends

2 years

Its the eve of your second birthday and my heart is happy. I look back over the last two years and I just can't even believe that I get to be your mommy, I get to go on this journey with you. Man Im thankful to God for that. Ive dreamed of you for as long as I can remember, I used to sit and think what you'd look like, what your personality would be like, the sound of your laugh, the way it would feel to be a mom. No dream could have ever compared to how great it really is, no words can fully describe this insane love, its simply the best you my sweet heart are pure Joy. These last two years you've stretched and pulled me, you've exposed things in me I never knew existed, you've taught me invaluable lessons that I would have never had the opportunity to learn. Im internally grateful to you for these lessons and for the many more lessons you will teach me. Thank you for changing me, thank you for teaching me so much. I wanted to share with you all that Ive learned:

You've taught me that good parenting has really nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. My attitude, my expectations, my self care, my personal growth. That its completely unfair to get upset with you for my own short comings. Ive apologized a lot in these short 2 years and Im guessing I will be apologizing until Im old and grey. I do promise you this though I will continue to be better, I will always try to be a better me.  I pray you grow up with the same desire.

You've taught me that unconditional love is a gift, that its rare. It requires me to strip away all of my expectations and just accept. To allow you to be you, to give you the freedom and space to fail, and to leave my opinion and judgement out of it. To show you empathy in times of your weakness and to trust that you are capable of making good choices. This is easier said than done my son but Im working on it daily.

You've taught me that good relationships take mighty work. They take great sacrifice, compromise, and a willingness to be better. They take intention, If I want to have a great connection with you I have to be intentional. I have to take the time, I have to plan I have to be conscious about how I spend my time.

You've taught me to slow down, to stop doing things that aren't important. To really cherish my time with you for I will never get yesterday back. 

You've taught me to love myself. For its not possible to truly love someone else if you 1st don't love yourself. You can't give something away that you don't have. For so many years I hated so many things about myself, I hid behind so much, I spent so much time trying to please everyone else. This is still a work in progress for me but daily Im putting more worth on myself and less on what others think. 

You've taught me to be a student again. When you were 1st born I listened to everything everyone said feeling overwhelmed and confused most of the time. Ive finally found my truth and the confidence in it.  You gave me the courage to ask questions, to not except things that dont feel right and to dig into information. You've inspired me to learn again and to seek truth. 

You've taught me respect. Its sad to say I didn't understand it before. You don't respect someone if you force things on them, shame, blame or punish them. Thats dis respect and its everywhere in our society. Ive fought hard for this, Ive had to rewire my brain and it has not been easy, but you deserve it. every human being deserves it.

You've taught me the importance of self growth, that I should constantly be on the pursuit to become my best self. The world deserves that, I deserve that, and YOU deserve that. 30 years from now I will be confident in my journey not looking back and wondering what could have been or who I could have become because I will have become that.

You've taught me to leave this world a better place then what it was when I got here. To work hard for the good, to plan for a better tomorrow. So that you will have the courage to go on my shoulders and leave it even better.

You've shown me the goodness of our heavenly father, threw you I see and feel him. I understand his love for me and the world. I never understood Gods grace until I became a parent, I get it now, I feel it now. 

You've taught me to live in a way I won't regret. There has not been a day thats gone by that I haven't smelt your hair, watched you play, studied your facial expressions, laughed with you, gotten on the floor with you, enjoyed you, given my all to you, tried my hardest to be better, to get to know you better. I will never look back and think I should have loved on you more because every single day Ive done that. 

You my son are a gift, a gift I treasure. I will never be able to give to you all that you have already given to me. 

Happy Birthday my little boy all of my heart and soul loves all of your heart and soul. 

xoxo 

mommy