I write this with a baby fast asleep on my chest, skin to skin because it was the only thing that got him to stop crying. This 2 kid thing is not perfect nor is it easy but I think we've found our happy place. Even on nights like tonight when all goes to hell and my poor baby just screams and screams, I find happiness in it. One thing Ive learnt very recently is "all is well", All is WELL. He will stop crying eventually, they will go to sleep at some point, the day will end, happiness will appear after a meltdown, all is well. Bryson was/has been going threw something. Everyday more and more I start to see my little guy again, but for awhile he has been a little touch and go. My toddler who maybe has had 5 meltdowns in his life started having them weekly, started waking up in a funk and screaming about God knows what. This was trying, you know that feeling in your gut you get when your child is pushing you over insanity? I felt this more then Id like to admit, the whole "stop, take a deep breath, don't strangle your child, this isn't a emergency" Repeated over and over in my head. I realized A lot of what was going on with Bryson was because I wasn't fully myself. The person he was closest too was a little out of sorts, a little out of wack. Which made his world feel very insecure. A trip back home was exactly what I needed, to find some perspective, spend some one on one time with my boys especially Bryson, and get some help. Having Torrey has been very humbling for me, I need help, I can't do it all. I have a hard time asking for it, even admitting that Im not super women, but Im out numbered and I can't do it all. It feels good now and Im getting used to speaking up. I still find the hardest part of having two kids is the constant tug of war I feel internally. I want to give my undivided attention to both of them. Stare and soak in everything that is Torrey, but also run around the house and wrestle with Bryson. I feel Bryson gets the short end of the stick on this one because Torreys needs trump his most of the time, and sometimes I feel Im disappointing to him. So when Torrey sleeps for 30 minuets on his own, or is happy playing under his play mat I cherish that time I get to spend with both eyes on Bryson just laughing and enjoying him. My body is slowly becoming my own again, Im down 30 pounds and have 20 to go I finally fit into 3 pairs of my pants which feels good and the stretch marks on my boobs really don't look all that bad. It will come, those pounds will eventually fall off and Ill feel comfortable in this new skin of mine.
There is so much good when it comes to having two kids but my top 2 favorite things are One: getting to relive this all over again. The first smiles, the skin to skin, the connection between a mommy and her baby, the baby coo's and just knowing what is in store for you while you watch them grow. The second thing I love so much is watching my Bryson, I don't know how he ever lived without Torrey. He was born to be a big brother that is for sure, he has fiercely adored his baby brother since the second he laid eyes on him. They are soul mates and as a mom I have a thankful heart for that one. They are lucky to have each other and I feel lucky that I get to watch them grow.
Well friends nite nite and Merry Christmas I pray your heart is full :) Remember All is well!
