Deep breaths

Can Y'all do something for me? Take a nice deep lung filling breath.....Hmmmmm feels good right? Life is better, peaceful, clearer with deep breaths in it. I wish since birth we were taught this magical tip of just pausing in the midst of chaos, before we start to loose it, when that feeling in our gut is saying "your gonna get out of control". Oh how I wish we all just were wired to freeze and just close our eyes, fill those lungs and blow all that crazy out.  Ive been working on just being really intentional, trying to be present and naming things as they arise. Ive noticed my biggest trigger these days is when Bryson isn't helping himself out. The kid won't eat even if he is starving, refuses to go potty even when he clearly has to and wakes up many days before he was done sleeping. The madness in my mind with these things will drive me to drink or drop a F bomb. Sometimes i want to just be so ridiculous and say "your not leaving the table until you eat your food" or "go back to bed right now you are not waking up" or "your sitting on the potty right this second and not getting off until you pee"  haha As if I could force someone to eat, sleep and pee what am I running a jail. So alas I take a nice big deep breath and let it go or laugh it off or say a F bomb in my head and carry on.  Trying to remind myself of the big picture of  raising children who can help themselves, who have great body autonomy and take charge and responsibility for who they are and not be puppets on a string.  My friends I'm here to tell you this is hard work, sometimes I question my capability as a mother. Some days I say "God what in the world were you thinking allowing humans to raise each other, I mean common that was a really stupid idea. I'm thankful and all but man can I get a little guidance here because I seriously don't know what Im doing".   I had a friend say to me " Im pretty sure raising kids is more about growing myself then anything". Well isn't that the truth teach me my teachers. My little bundles of pure perfection that drive me into insanity are the biggest teachers of my life and Im thankful for the struggle, really thankful for the awakening and the drive to press on and learn, but man is it hard sometimes. Im reading the book 21 ways to find peace and happiness by Joyce Myer and she says something in there that so resonated with me Ive thought about it everyday since I read it she says "It is actually extremely foolish to dread things  we must do and know we will do" What the what!! holy hannah bell I get it. Why would you dread life, why not find a way to go threw it with peace in your heart.  Torrey started army crawling at 4.5 months old and my first thought was "seriously why couldn't you start moving at 9 months"  i actually started dreading an amazing achievement that my baby had why? Because I wanted my life to be easy. I stole my own joy because of laziness. Talk about silly. Being aware of my feelings and inner battles is leading me to a place of peace, having the wisdom to stop and take a deep breath brings ultimate joy and letting things go and finding humor in the chaos is so freeing. I pray one day I master these things or at least pass them on to my children we all deserve to live free from all the baggage.

So once again everyone take a deep breath with me.

nite nite friends

2015

2014 oh you were good to me, I found out I was pregnant, traveled to France, Spain and back home a couple times, met my beautiful baby boy Torrey, overcame my fear of birth, learned more than Ive ever learned about myself and the world around me and watched my sweet Bryson become a big bother.   Its one for the books I tell ya. As the year came to a close I really started to think about what I wanted to focus on for 2015 and what came up over and over again was "I want to focus on peace". I know that the pursuit of peace will be a life long journey but its something Id like to feel daily, its something I want in my soul. After Torrey was born I felt a bit out of control, its amazing to me how your kids can stir things up inside of you that were laying dormant for years. Or how fear can cause anger, and rage in the pit of your stomach. My children are my biggest teachers they have/do expose where I am weak and challenge me daily to grow. Torreys life exposed my lack of peace. looking in on my life you'd never know, Im pretty calm, I never yell, I don't loose it on my kids, but I do feel overwhelmed, I do want to yell, and I do get this feeling in my stomach of rage, this feeling of getting out of control, of wanting to loose it. Ugh I hate that feeling and I am determined to conquer it.  Listening to Joyce Meyer the other day she said something profound " You do have a free will and you can make a choice"  She talked about recognizing things when they 1st begin to happen so we can stop them before they build up. Im choosing to choose peace, Im not going to live with that feeling, I am refusing it. Not easy, straight up one of the toughest things I fight through daily but I am choosing peace. I think often about what I want my kids to say about their childhood, when they look back what do I want them to feel and then how do I create that. My biggest thing is I want them to smile and say " I remember feeling loved and cherished", and " I remember feeling safe and calm". I want my house to have peace, I want that not only for my children but for myself and for my marriage.  So heres to 2015 and mastering my peace.

Nite nite friends