Ive heard that at some point when having kids you go through a hard transition. Its either when you have your 1st child, second child, or third child, for me its having a second child. I breezed into motherhood with Bryson. I walked out those hospital doors the same weight I was before I got pregnant, I wore make up, did my hair, had a clean house, felt mentally together and for the most part felt like I knew what I was doing. This time I feel a little bit like a hot mess. I barley fit into anything, my body is not the same as it was before and to be honest its bothering me. Its hard to look in the mirror and not recognize the body that you see. I don't wear makeup because I know that by the time night time comes I will be far to tired to wash it off. My hair lives in a bun and my roots are growing farther and farther down my head and I have no idea when Ill be able to fix that problem. Most days when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror I cringe "good lord who is that". Showers are luxuries these days, and my clothes are always dirty.
I also for the 1st time in 6 years feel incredibly home sick. Not even for the help aspect of it but Im longing for something to feel familiar, Im not really sure why this is but I feel like I have a hole in my heart. My parents won't be able to come this christmas either which is also making me feel a little anxious, its my first christmas i will ever spend without them and it happens to be the year that Im having the hardest time UGH.
Im feeling the mommy guilt on top of this as I don't feel like a fun mom anymore. Instead of chasing bryson around the house, wrestling with him and sliding down slides with him. Im often rocking a baby, or have a baby asleep on my chest. I find myself saying a lot "I would love to play with you buddy but i need to get brother to sleep" I hate this part about having two kids I want to be chasing my son around and screaming as we run around the house, I want to play in the sand with him, or heck I want to just sit and read stories without rocking a baby at the same time. I feel bad for him and I sort of feel Im missing out also. He has been acting out lately, and not fully acting like himself. This catches me off guard because Im not used to it and don't always know how to react to him. Now don't get me wrong I love rocking babies to sleep, I LOVE having my baby asleep on my chest, but I also love being a fun mom and not being able to do both is hard for me. I want to be able to be fully there for both my boys instead of juggling both of them. Which brings me to the next thing my house is gross,it hasn't been cleaned in a month a MONTH!! For those of you who know me that is insane, my house used to always be clean. With my juggling show that I have all day and night there is no time for me to clean the house I can barely keep the dishes clean, and not being able to do it all feels frustrating. At the end of the day Im thankful, I love these two boys with all that I am, I love watching my son with his brother, I love having a new born in the house again. Im just not as much of a wonder women that I thought I was. haha I know it will get easier , we will fall into a rhythm, and more and more Ill start feeling like myself again. Its just tough right now, but the best things in life are never easy.
Nite nite friends
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Birth of Torrey John
Hold on peeps this is going to be a long one.
After I had Bryson I was traumatized of labour, I would look at a pregnant women and start crying for fear of what they had to go threw. I didn't want to give birth ever again and it took a long time before I felt brave enough to go down that road. So as the idea of another baby slowly started to sound possible, so did the idea of a completely different birth. I decided before i got pregnant that Id do a home birth, that if I was going to have a natural birth what was the point of the horrendous car ride, the strangers coming in and out of the room, and all the monitors and annoying questions. This birth, actually this pregnancy was going to be my own, my choices, my story. So at last that test had two lines and I now had 9 months to get really comfortable with the idea of labour. I hired my midwife (who changed my life), hired my doula, and started on a journey of looking fear in the face and choosing to go threw it like a freight train. This experience was the opposite of my experience with Bryson not one similarity except for the fact that in the end I got my baby. My visits with my midwife lasted a hour, we talked about feelings, health, and my body, we got to know each other. I gained 20 extra pounds this time around and Id be lying if I said that at first it didn't bother me, my eating disorder wanted to rear its ugly head. You know what though my midwife walked me threw this, she praised every pound saying "excellent" when I would get on the scale. She focused on what I was eating and would tell me "your diet is perfect, trust your body it needs this weight". Did I mention that I love her? Me and my doula became friends she was someone that I trusted, she understood how important this was to me and was my teammate. I started to mentally prepare for a marathon, I started to go threw the fear of terrible pain, exhaustion, and unknowns. I got mentally tough but allowed myself to cry over it. I visualized my whole birth often, multiple times a day as it got closer. I then had to conquer my biggest fear how my son would handle this, he was going to be ok right? We watched birth videos, we talked about EVERYTHING, how babies come out, what they will look like, what mom will sound like, how he can help mom, who is going to care for him while mom is working hard. He came to every appointment with my midwife and doula. The kid knows more about female anatomy then most male adults do. At one of my appointments as I went to get on the table he nonchalantly asked me "momma what is Mrs Marla gonna get in your vagina?" haha Toddlers. The kid was as ready as anyone could be, he actually still asks to watch birth videos haha. Ok now to the goods
My mom arrived on friday and just like with Bryson I now felt like I needed to get this baby out to utilize my time with her. So when my acupuncturist checked my birthing points and told me my body wasn't ready. I was bummed, he said I probably had a week, your joking right? I was Determined to prove him wrong. My doula gave me a induction massage on saturday, on tuesday I had induction acupuncture and still nothing!! Ugh. This baby was posterior so he was in a terrible position. My midwife said posterior babies are usually late, and long labors. which explains my labor with Bryson because he was also posterior. Thursday I was bound and determined I went for another induction acupuncture and you know what? I started to have contractions, nothing crazy but they were contractions. My acupuncturist checked my points and said "giiiiiirrrl your getting close". Hooray!! I left his office drove home, went for a nap and those stupid contractions stopped. THEY STOPPED. So we went about our day and that night around 8 they came back, 10 mins apart. I put Bryson to bed and went to bed myself. Those babies stayed 10 - 15 minuets apart all night long. I could tell that he was stuck on my pelvic bone and until I could get him off this labour was going to stall. My body was working so hard to turn him and get him off, that my contractions were lasting a minuet and were so strong i had to get out of bed and get on the ball to go threw them. I would lean over the ball and say " up the hill, up the hill, up the hill" then at the top of the contraction Id say " down the hill, down the hill, down the hill, contraction gone". I would climb back in bed and fall asleep until the next one. At around 3 am I lost part of my bloody show, it continually came out until 6 am. At 5 am I could tell the baby was off my pelvic bone. 5:30 I woke Brett up and told him to fill up the tub my contractions were now 6 mins apart and 60 seconds long, but I felt great, I had my music on, my birth ball and I felt like I was in a good stride. My attitude was great and I was feeling strong. I texted Michelle (photographer/best friend) and my doula that I wanted a hour to be by myself and really get into the zone. 6:50 Bryson woke up, we gave him a card from his brother saying how excited he was to meet him today and a "mater" car and a book on CD he was so happy he kept saying "my brother bought me a mater". I woke my mom up at 7 contractions still 6 mins apart, I texted my doula to come now, I crawled up on all fours to go threw my next contractions and "POP" my water broke. At that moment my labour went from 0 to 60 in a second, I felt like I went from 4 cm to 10 cm in one minuet. I took my pants off and jumped in the tub. My contractions were now back to back and all I could do was scream at the top of my lungs threw them. It was like I was releasing the pain out of my mouth. I couldn't not scream it wasn't a choice it just was coming out of my mouth. The few seconds I had in-between I was yelling for my mom and Brett to call the midwife, doula and Michelle and tell them to get here RIGHT NOW. This baby was coming and all of a sudden I felt like everyone was going miss it. My poor mom was running to the phone in between, making me drinks and then running back to me to help me threw the contraction. My Doula arrived around 7:15 and man was I happy to see her.
(slide show/ video by my amazing friend/best photographer)
Its been 2 weeks since my sweet Torrey was born, what a gentle soul this little boy is. Very much the same as his brother. He is so chill and Ive barely heard that little one cry(Thank you jesus for that one) Makes juggling 2 kids a little more manageable. Bryson has taken his roll as big brother in such a beautiful way. He adores his brother, is helpful, and has a understanding of this huge life change that is very mature. I often find him nose to nose with him laying on the floor, holding his little hand and telling him things. It makes my heart want to explode watching the love he has for him. This transition hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies, the 1st thing that goes with any change in Brysons life is sleep so on top of caring for a new born in the night I am often woken up by Bryson very early in the morning. My patients is not the best on those days, but Im learning to just let it be and I keep telling myself it won't last forever, followed by some heart felt "I'm Sorries". I love the process of evolving as a new mother. Im wiser this time around, calmer, but yet learning this whole new world. I feel like my understanding of who I am as a mom is deepening and Im coming into my own more and more. These days are hard, magical, and humbling but Im love drunk off new born smells and enjoying it even with tired eyes.
Nite nite Friends
After I had Bryson I was traumatized of labour, I would look at a pregnant women and start crying for fear of what they had to go threw. I didn't want to give birth ever again and it took a long time before I felt brave enough to go down that road. So as the idea of another baby slowly started to sound possible, so did the idea of a completely different birth. I decided before i got pregnant that Id do a home birth, that if I was going to have a natural birth what was the point of the horrendous car ride, the strangers coming in and out of the room, and all the monitors and annoying questions. This birth, actually this pregnancy was going to be my own, my choices, my story. So at last that test had two lines and I now had 9 months to get really comfortable with the idea of labour. I hired my midwife (who changed my life), hired my doula, and started on a journey of looking fear in the face and choosing to go threw it like a freight train. This experience was the opposite of my experience with Bryson not one similarity except for the fact that in the end I got my baby. My visits with my midwife lasted a hour, we talked about feelings, health, and my body, we got to know each other. I gained 20 extra pounds this time around and Id be lying if I said that at first it didn't bother me, my eating disorder wanted to rear its ugly head. You know what though my midwife walked me threw this, she praised every pound saying "excellent" when I would get on the scale. She focused on what I was eating and would tell me "your diet is perfect, trust your body it needs this weight". Did I mention that I love her? Me and my doula became friends she was someone that I trusted, she understood how important this was to me and was my teammate. I started to mentally prepare for a marathon, I started to go threw the fear of terrible pain, exhaustion, and unknowns. I got mentally tough but allowed myself to cry over it. I visualized my whole birth often, multiple times a day as it got closer. I then had to conquer my biggest fear how my son would handle this, he was going to be ok right? We watched birth videos, we talked about EVERYTHING, how babies come out, what they will look like, what mom will sound like, how he can help mom, who is going to care for him while mom is working hard. He came to every appointment with my midwife and doula. The kid knows more about female anatomy then most male adults do. At one of my appointments as I went to get on the table he nonchalantly asked me "momma what is Mrs Marla gonna get in your vagina?" haha Toddlers. The kid was as ready as anyone could be, he actually still asks to watch birth videos haha. Ok now to the goods
My mom arrived on friday and just like with Bryson I now felt like I needed to get this baby out to utilize my time with her. So when my acupuncturist checked my birthing points and told me my body wasn't ready. I was bummed, he said I probably had a week, your joking right? I was Determined to prove him wrong. My doula gave me a induction massage on saturday, on tuesday I had induction acupuncture and still nothing!! Ugh. This baby was posterior so he was in a terrible position. My midwife said posterior babies are usually late, and long labors. which explains my labor with Bryson because he was also posterior. Thursday I was bound and determined I went for another induction acupuncture and you know what? I started to have contractions, nothing crazy but they were contractions. My acupuncturist checked my points and said "giiiiiirrrl your getting close". Hooray!! I left his office drove home, went for a nap and those stupid contractions stopped. THEY STOPPED. So we went about our day and that night around 8 they came back, 10 mins apart. I put Bryson to bed and went to bed myself. Those babies stayed 10 - 15 minuets apart all night long. I could tell that he was stuck on my pelvic bone and until I could get him off this labour was going to stall. My body was working so hard to turn him and get him off, that my contractions were lasting a minuet and were so strong i had to get out of bed and get on the ball to go threw them. I would lean over the ball and say " up the hill, up the hill, up the hill" then at the top of the contraction Id say " down the hill, down the hill, down the hill, contraction gone". I would climb back in bed and fall asleep until the next one. At around 3 am I lost part of my bloody show, it continually came out until 6 am. At 5 am I could tell the baby was off my pelvic bone. 5:30 I woke Brett up and told him to fill up the tub my contractions were now 6 mins apart and 60 seconds long, but I felt great, I had my music on, my birth ball and I felt like I was in a good stride. My attitude was great and I was feeling strong. I texted Michelle (photographer/best friend) and my doula that I wanted a hour to be by myself and really get into the zone. 6:50 Bryson woke up, we gave him a card from his brother saying how excited he was to meet him today and a "mater" car and a book on CD he was so happy he kept saying "my brother bought me a mater". I woke my mom up at 7 contractions still 6 mins apart, I texted my doula to come now, I crawled up on all fours to go threw my next contractions and "POP" my water broke. At that moment my labour went from 0 to 60 in a second, I felt like I went from 4 cm to 10 cm in one minuet. I took my pants off and jumped in the tub. My contractions were now back to back and all I could do was scream at the top of my lungs threw them. It was like I was releasing the pain out of my mouth. I couldn't not scream it wasn't a choice it just was coming out of my mouth. The few seconds I had in-between I was yelling for my mom and Brett to call the midwife, doula and Michelle and tell them to get here RIGHT NOW. This baby was coming and all of a sudden I felt like everyone was going miss it. My poor mom was running to the phone in between, making me drinks and then running back to me to help me threw the contraction. My Doula arrived around 7:15 and man was I happy to see her.
I yelled and yelled threw every contraction, she rubbed my back, held my hand as I squeezed it to death, and talked me threw it. All I could think was get this midwife here and Michelle NOW like right now. It was the longest 20 minuets of my life. I kept saying "where are they I need to push, where are they, tell them to run" One of my midwifes helpers arrived, then my midwife and other mid wife helper at 7:45 and Michelle was right behind them. I could hear Bryson and Brett reading stories beside me and every so often Bryson would come over and take a peek at me.
My midwife checked me and I said " Am I 10 CM" She laughed and said "oh honey put your hand down there your babies head is a inch away" Ok baby time to come earth side. Everyone said I needed to get on all fours, I reluctantly agreed.
With my butt in the air contractions came like a freight train, back to back to back. I had my arms wrapped around my doula and feeling desperate for this to now be over. I kept asking "how much longer" I needed a break. Finally his head came out, but not the rest of him. I heard my midwife ask "how long?" the other mid wife said "3 minutes". My midwife said "Kirista we need to get this baby out you need to stand up". My doula held me up and my midwife helped the babies shoulders (that were stuck) come out and all I remember is looking down and there was my baby.
It was over, it was actually over. 8:22 am I scooped up my brand new baby boy and sat down, amazed that this little being was in my body and was now out, its surreal giving birth. I looked up and there was my oldest baby, now a big brother, he was so brave and so happy to meet his baby brother.
There was a lot of blood in the tub so the midwifes needed to get me out to see what was going on. I climbed out, holding my baby still attached by the cord and sat on the couch. My midwife checked me and determined that it was my placenta detaching suddenly because of the trauma of the baby being stuck. I sat on the couch with my baby on my chest for 45 minuets while everyone worked around me, getting me drinks, a pillow, helping me get comfy.
I delivered the placenta and Bryson and Daddy cut the cord, and everyone helped me into my bed. I just laid in my bed and loved on my babies, ate food and talked with all the ladies. It was amazing, it was a labour of love, it was women supporting women, it felt just the way it should feel. I had a birth tribe, for how intense my labour was I never felt alone, I had a team guiding me every step of the way, every women deserves to birth this way. This birth was far more painful then Brysons birth. For that hour it was insane, unbearable, but with that much love and support the unbearable becomes bearable. I don't fear birth anymore......
Its been 2 weeks since my sweet Torrey was born, what a gentle soul this little boy is. Very much the same as his brother. He is so chill and Ive barely heard that little one cry(Thank you jesus for that one) Makes juggling 2 kids a little more manageable. Bryson has taken his roll as big brother in such a beautiful way. He adores his brother, is helpful, and has a understanding of this huge life change that is very mature. I often find him nose to nose with him laying on the floor, holding his little hand and telling him things. It makes my heart want to explode watching the love he has for him. This transition hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies, the 1st thing that goes with any change in Brysons life is sleep so on top of caring for a new born in the night I am often woken up by Bryson very early in the morning. My patients is not the best on those days, but Im learning to just let it be and I keep telling myself it won't last forever, followed by some heart felt "I'm Sorries". I love the process of evolving as a new mother. Im wiser this time around, calmer, but yet learning this whole new world. I feel like my understanding of who I am as a mom is deepening and Im coming into my own more and more. These days are hard, magical, and humbling but Im love drunk off new born smells and enjoying it even with tired eyes.
Nite nite Friends
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