Ive heard that at some point when having kids you go through a hard transition. Its either when you have your 1st child, second child, or third child, for me its having a second child. I breezed into motherhood with Bryson. I walked out those hospital doors the same weight I was before I got pregnant, I wore make up, did my hair, had a clean house, felt mentally together and for the most part felt like I knew what I was doing. This time I feel a little bit like a hot mess. I barley fit into anything, my body is not the same as it was before and to be honest its bothering me. Its hard to look in the mirror and not recognize the body that you see. I don't wear makeup because I know that by the time night time comes I will be far to tired to wash it off. My hair lives in a bun and my roots are growing farther and farther down my head and I have no idea when Ill be able to fix that problem. Most days when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror I cringe "good lord who is that". Showers are luxuries these days, and my clothes are always dirty.
I also for the 1st time in 6 years feel incredibly home sick. Not even for the help aspect of it but Im longing for something to feel familiar, Im not really sure why this is but I feel like I have a hole in my heart. My parents won't be able to come this christmas either which is also making me feel a little anxious, its my first christmas i will ever spend without them and it happens to be the year that Im having the hardest time UGH.
Im feeling the mommy guilt on top of this as I don't feel like a fun mom anymore. Instead of chasing bryson around the house, wrestling with him and sliding down slides with him. Im often rocking a baby, or have a baby asleep on my chest. I find myself saying a lot "I would love to play with you buddy but i need to get brother to sleep" I hate this part about having two kids I want to be chasing my son around and screaming as we run around the house, I want to play in the sand with him, or heck I want to just sit and read stories without rocking a baby at the same time. I feel bad for him and I sort of feel Im missing out also. He has been acting out lately, and not fully acting like himself. This catches me off guard because Im not used to it and don't always know how to react to him. Now don't get me wrong I love rocking babies to sleep, I LOVE having my baby asleep on my chest, but I also love being a fun mom and not being able to do both is hard for me. I want to be able to be fully there for both my boys instead of juggling both of them. Which brings me to the next thing my house is gross,it hasn't been cleaned in a month a MONTH!! For those of you who know me that is insane, my house used to always be clean. With my juggling show that I have all day and night there is no time for me to clean the house I can barely keep the dishes clean, and not being able to do it all feels frustrating. At the end of the day Im thankful, I love these two boys with all that I am, I love watching my son with his brother, I love having a new born in the house again. Im just not as much of a wonder women that I thought I was. haha I know it will get easier , we will fall into a rhythm, and more and more Ill start feeling like myself again. Its just tough right now, but the best things in life are never easy.
Nite nite friends
The transition of two little boys was hardest for me too. Sometimes just taking care of their physical needs is being super Woman because it is the most important at that time. You're right though. It will get better, and it will get easier. That I can promise you:) I remember thinking "if I can just make it through the first week...then if I can make it through three weeks...six weeks..etc. Eventually I stopped feeling that way and things got normal again. Love you. You've got two adorable, sweet boys.
ReplyDelete