Getting past struggle to love

I grew up in a healthy home, Ive been taking vitamins and eating spinach my whole life. I am super happy and thankful that I grew up in a healthy home for one I can eat anything Im not picky in the slightest (picky eating drives me bonkers my husband is picky and making diner for him feels like a chore I feel so nervous when I introduce something new and I never want to tell him what Im cooking incase he snubs his nose to it making me feel like why am I slaving away in the kitchen when I would be perfectly happy putting a eggplant in the oven and calling it dinner. After 4 years of marriage Im getting better and figuring out healthy ways to make what he likes and he is getting better at eating it haha)  My mom always listened to her gut and took the natural way when it came to us being sick we NEVER took medicine, we never went to the doctor I think I have maybe been on antibiotics 4 times in my life and it was because that was the only option and I detoxed after being on them.  I think thats amazing!! I believe the earth can provide everything we need. Is modern medicine necessary? sometimes yes but I believe it should be used as a last resort as modern medicine fixes one problem by creating another. ex you take antibiotics to cure XYZ  and yes it works wonders and XYZ is gone but you upset your natural probiotics in your gut and intestine reeking havoc on the balance of your good and bad bacteria so you go back to the doctor because you have a really bad upset stomach, or food allergies, or a rash and they give you another medication for that Its a endless cycle and the only way out is to go back to nature.

Ok back to my story.....

As I grew up I never knew how to listen to my body and to stop eating when I was full.  If something was yummy I would just eat and eat and eat until I felt incredibly sick. You would never know it though because I was 5'9, 90 pounds and so gangly and awkward. I really wish I could hug my teenage self and let her know it was going to get better.
People would CONSTANTLY comment on how much I ate " your going to eat more?" "where is all that food going?" "you eat like a horse!"  People also ALWAYS commented on how skinny I was never anything bad just always stating a fact as if I had any control over my weight at the time.  Then I hit 16 oh lord I wish this never happened but my ultra skinny - 0 frame gained 15 pounds and 15 pounds on my tiny frame is A LOT!! and now EVERYONE commented on how I gained weight and now it wasn't "your going to eat more?" in a tone of amazement it was "your going to eat more?" a tone of I really dont think you should be eating more. People were so used to me being so skinny it caught them off guard, they weren't saying these things to hurt me although deep down it was crushing me. I vividly remember laying on the couch with my whole family around aunts, uncles, cousins and I went to eat another cookie  my grandma slapped my butt and said "I dont think you need another cookie sweetheart". This devastated me it was the straw that broke the camels back, I all of a sudden became OBSESSIVE I thought about food constantly I would stare in the mirror and pick my body apart I would grab my love handles in utter disgust with myself. My relationship with food would never be the same again. I would then go on to develop an eating disorder that I would struggle with for 9 years, 9 years of my life I obsessed over what I ate, how I looked, what other people thought I should look like. When I would lose control over myself and devourer 4 cupcakes I would think about it all day long being SO mad at myself, I would go to the gym and exercise like maniac I would step on the scale and if it didnt say 130 on it I would freak out and chug a ton of water. I would count every single calorie, and then I had a thought one day after I had lost control and eaten a bowl of ice cream (like how dare I) I thought " If I just went and threw this up it would be like I never ate it" Oh how I wish I never had that thought, Oh how I wish I could hug that 19 year old girl and let her know what I know now. For 5 years anytime I thought I ate to much or was feeling "fat" I would throw up I would justify it by saying well I dont do it everyday and its only when I eat unhealthy so Im getting the bad food out of my body" Sick right?  Sometimes I would sit on the couch and eat a huge bowl of ice cream and hate myself every second of it...... but I couldnt stop and I wanted more!!!  So I would throw it up and then eat more. I obsessed over people sayin "wow your so skinny" it was music to my ears, I needed peoples approval of my body so that I could approve of it. For 9 years I suffered in silence not one soul knew my dirty secret. Then at the age of 25 I got pregnant and instantly my body was no longer mine. I don't want to say I was fixed cause that was so far from the truth but I refused to throw up ever again... and I didn't. I started to think about food as nourishing my growing baby and i didnt care about my body changing, I worked out I ate great and I felt fantastic!! and then I went to my 6 month pregnancy check up and I had gained 10 pounds that month. It was a little jab in the side but I brushed it off. My doctor (who I adored) came in the room and said so sweetly everything looks great although Im concerned your gaining to much weight. It wasn't possible to tell me anything worse, i broke down, started sobbing told her of my struggles with food. She looked at me and I knew exactly what she was thinking she knew she shouldn't have told me that. She sat down looked me in the eyes and said you need to not obsess over this, the weight gain is better than an eating disorder. The damage was done I left her office and downloaded a calorie counting app I logged every bite, I  wouldnt allow myself to eat sugar or anything fattening I was right back in my obsessive mind set and I hated myself for it.
I had a tooth that was driving me crazy and I had never had a cavity so I went to the dentist and thats where she would tell me I had 14 cavities yes you read that right 14 cavities. I couldnt believe it so I went for a second opinion and they confirmed it yes 14 cavities. I thought "did I do this?" I did this to myself didnt I? Because I wanted to be skinny SO BAD because I longed for other peoples approval I was putting my body threw hell. I had thrown up so many times that I caused 14 cavities. That was a hard pill to swallow, with every filling with every dollar I had to spend at that dentist I vowed to never EVER EVER obsess about food again. I had to take ownership over my life so my son would grow up taking ownership over his. I am the model for how he will see his body and something HAD to change, I had to love myself enough to change.

I started to read books about how to naturally heal your teeth which made me discover the Weston A Price foundation and I learned about what our ancestors used to eat and how healthy they were. I changed my mind set from "I want to eat to be skinny" to "I want to eat to feel my best"  I read everything I could get my hands on to teach me about nourishing our bodies and our babies (which we should grow up learning) I learned about how terrible our food is today, how sick we are, how medicated we are, how far away from nature we are becoming.  I learned that just because you breastfeed doesnt mean your babies getting the best nutrients if your diet is crap. Your baby gets what you get same thing goes for when your pregnant. Did you know that based on the way we eat while being pregnant can determine whether your children will need braces or glasses? That stuff fascinates me, health has become my passion. I can proudly tell you I dont count calories, or step on a scale or care about how tight my jeans are. I feel great, I feel healthy, I feel like doing the best I possibly can for my body.  This isnt always met with positive people think Im weird, and a little crazy that I only buy real food. I get a eye roll when I say my son has never had sugar or processed food like Im so ridiculous. When in reality eating things from boxes with ingredients that you cant pronounce that are not food but a science experiment  that are proven to cause cancer and reek havoc on your body seems really ridiculous to me. Did you know processed food never used to exist? That most ingredients found in our food are not even 20 years old? Meaning we are the ginny pigs to see what these ingredients do to us. Ummmmm no thanks

Eating this way  is a life style its allowed me to fall in love with food. Eating meat from pasture raised happy cows and chickens means respecting that animal. It means appreciating a farmer who has dedicated their life to the right kind of farming, who didnt sell their soul to big companies to make more money. It means giving back to our earth because happy cows and chickens living like they are meant to means they are making top soil vitamin rich top soil which will be used to grow vitamin rich organic fruits and veggies. Buying from farmers markets means Im supporting my community and small business's. You can see the pride on their faces when they give you your produce or the yogurt the cheese that was just freshly made.  That makes me smile, that makes me love food, it is so much more than just eating. Food can be our medicine or a slow poison.

We have a life long relationship with food we might as well make it a positive one.

If you struggle with food Im living proof it doesnt have to control you. YOU can change your life YOU can have a healthy self image. It will take some work, it will take a mind shift but all things are possible. We all deserve to love ourselves enough to allow ourselves to change.

Nite nite my friends