the light bulb exploded

Last week I had one of those moments where the light bulb not only went on but it exploded. I learned That no person, place or thing determines my worth or my mood but ME. Now that might be common sense for a lot of you but its taken me 27 years to figure this out, and it all came about after my son (17 months old) slapped me in the face. You see I was exhausted, I was trying to unpack the groceries, and get diner started when my son wanted me to pick him up so knelt down and looked at him and said mommy just needs to unpack the groceries and ill pick you up so he slapped me. Now I wanted to grab his hand drag him to the other room and yell "DO NOT EVER HIT MOMMY". I mean inside I was MAD...... and then it hit me " I am allowing my sons emotional immaturity to determine the way I act and feel even though Im the adult and he is 1" Can I say that again " I am allowing my sons emotional immaturity to determine the way I act and feel even though Im the adult and he is 1"

and I can choose how I respond to him....... 

hmmmmmm now I got to thinking how does this spill over into my other relationships like you mean my husband isnt supposed to make me happy? or the dogs shouldn't send me into a crazy tail spin heading for the insane asylum when they pee on the carpet? Or what my mother inlaw thinks of me shouldnt keep me up at night? or the fact that that stranger who gave me a dirty look because I was nursing my son really shouldnt get any real-estate in my brain? 

WOW what??? You mean all these years that I threw adult tantrums and went crazy over what people thought of me and would spend countless hours obsessing about it didnt matter? and what really mattered was how I felt about myself? That I create my worth, that I determine my mood and my attitude, that I write the script for my life,  that I control my self talk.  This changed my life!! Now this doesnt mean I dont get upset nor does it mean words dont hurt. What it does mean is that I choose how I react to them, I choose how I respond not the other person. I have the power over myself! No one can treat me badly unless I allow them to. 

My 17 month old was acting perfectly normal for a tiered, hungry toddler who had no way of expressing his needs at that moment instead of asking to be picked up and then when his mom didnt do it he did the one thing he knew what to do and that was hit me. and yes hitting is wrong but you dont fix a problem with yelling, or using aggression so instead I said " bryson I see that you are having a hard time and it is never ok to hit me, hitting hurts, I think we both need a snack and a cuddle time on the couch" and boom problem solved!!  Now that could have gone the complete opposite direction I could have grabbed his hand, dragged him to the other and shouted now what would have happened? He would have flipped out and started crying, I would have felt guilty and both of our cups would have been empty. 

At the end of the day I have to live with myself and now that Ive learned that I hold the power over ME not anyone else I feel a lot more peace.

Taking responsiblity for your feelings and your worth takes guts, taking ownership of them means pausing.... taking a deep breath...... saying to yourself " what do I feel?"  sadness?   "what do I need?"   A break? a good cry? do I need to cross something off my to do list?  and allowing yourself to do so from a place of love. A lot of times just stopping and acknowledging our own needs and feelings is enough. 

nite nite

p.s this is why I didnt want a blog its 12:14 and I should be sleeping