Can I vent? rant? cry? and maybe even hide? The realization of the worlds influence on my son is frightening. I dont like it, it makes me cringe. Bryson has been picking things up from other children and adults and I have no control over this. You see Im a very VERY intentional parent, I think before I speak, I analyze situations with him to see how I can make it better the next time, I eliminate things from my vocabulary so I come across in a positive manner, I read read READ so i can understand whats going on in my little mans brain and so that I become better myself so I can influence him in a positive way. I work so hard at this and to think that someone else's mindlessness their complete unintentional negative ways can stick to my son like glue.
It makes me want to build a house around him, I understand this sounds crazy and I in no way shape or form want to shelter him I believe we all need to see the world, experience culture feel dirt between our toes, struggle in the rawness of being human, see truth in all its glory. This is so very contrary to sheltering, its protection, its my momma bear ferociousness. I want to protect him from this perception of negativity, mediocrity, dis respect, hatred, this tainted society that is so careless with words and gestures. This isn't the truth of the world its an negative illusion, hurting people hurt people and there are a lot of hurting people out there.
I want Bryson to the see the world for all its possibilities, for its beauty, its kindness, its magic, its opportunity to become. I cry at the thought that some stranger could carelessly say something that can stick with you forever. My friend recently told me of a time when she was a teenager at the beach and two guys were there and one said "wow check out that girls rack" and the other guy said "ya but look at her face." This lie this complete carelessness has stuck with my friend her whole adult life she is beautiful they were wrong they didnt even know her and look how much power they have. I think about when Bryson will go over to friends houses as he gets older and how he will be exposed to how other people live, what if they yell at him? what if they make him do something he doesnt want to do? I hate this I hate this reality and I know the only answer is that I build the strongest connection possible with him, that I overflow his cup, that I love that boy hard every single day, and that I pray that the world shows him empathy. You know becoming a parent has given me this overwhelming need to get on my knees with God. So many times i just need to stop and be still in my heavenly fathers warmth and say "God help me, show me, guide me, move me, I need you, I need your kindness, I need your grace"
Nite nite Friends
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