the lack of a village

My last days of being a mother to only one little boy are coming to a end, and the arrival of my second son is fast approaching.  I remember approaching 40 weeks pregnant with Bryson and crying because I just wanted him to come out. This time feels different as my pregnancy comes to a end I find myself wanting to hold onto it just a little bit longer. Im gonna miss this bump, its become my sons pillow, the resting place for his snacks, and a great little shelf to sit on while I carry him. This bump has become so much more apart of my body then it did the 1st time and it will feel very strange to have it all of a sudden gone. My mom arrives tomorrow in which part I become a ticking time bomb and will want to evict my baby. I get 2 weeks with a village (if you know my mom that women is a village all on her own) 2 weeks of help around the house, 2 weeks of extra love and adoration for my son, and 2 weeks of just having someone around that fully understands what Im going threw. Sometimes I feel mad that my family lives so far away, most the time it just saddens me. If I could pack up my husbands business, get him a green card, make my husband like the rain, and move us I honestly would. Living without a village is tough, its not only tough its scary. When I got pregnant for the second time all of a sudden I had to start thinking about who could take care of my son if I had to be in the hospital, or on bed rest, or if something happened to me. That thought is frightening, to have to rely on your mom flying in from canada and all the stars alining that you have your baby, recover and get on your feet while she is here is tough business. Not having someone to call when you have been stuck inside with two kids, haven't slept in weeks and think you might go insane is terrifying. I started mentally preparing myself for these times, the times where I want to pick up the phone and say MOM I NEED YOU. Its easy to be the mother you want to be when your rested, and your cup is half full. It feels damn near impossible when your exhausted and running on empty. Ive started to tell myself that Im capable, Im strong and I can be the mother I want to be despite my lack of a village. Ive been breaking down expectations that I hold for myself and giving myself the only expectation to be honest with myself and to stop and breath. That when moments start to go array and my world feels like it could spin out of control that Ill stop and breath and realize that my toddler doesn't need to take a nap right this second, or the dishes don't need to be done, or that errand can wait till tomorrow. This will be my self care, this will be my gift to myself. A author I love said once "life is long, there are many chapters after this one" Its true life is long and right now Im momma to young babies that some days suck everything out of you and you go to bed more tired then you ever knew possible. There is no such thing as balance in my life, Im momma to bryson and baby B and wife to Brett and for right now Im in love with that and happy with that and feel up for the challenge to rise to the person Im intended to be in this chapter. There is so much time for me, heck I lived 22 years for myself these years of having young children can be lived for them.  Ive got this, and on days that I feel like I don't Ill stop and breath and thank the lord tomorrow is a new day.

nite nite friends