Today I want a do over. Ever have one of those days where once its coming to an end you think "oh lord I didnt do good today?" That was me today, I failed. I failed myself, my dogs, my son and my mom, I was short, I was frustrated and I needed a time out but wasnt wise enough to take one.
Patience is my toughest work, its hard for me. Im very patient with Bryson but tend to take out my frustration on other people or things (my dogs) and today no one could win. Bryson napped 30 minutes I dont know why but this is a trigger for me, Im doing better with it and can now laugh it off but for some reason when his nap schedule gets messed up so do I. Then while driving I took a wrong turn and ended up lost, my son said about 100 times how hungry he was, that he wanted out of the car and that he dropped his truck on the ground, all while my mom was on the phone with customer service. (bad car ride) Then we got stuck in traffic coming home (another trigger). Then brysons nose started running like a faucet and I have to leave him all day saturday and sunday so my mommy guilt starts rising up as I fear he is getting sick. Out of my fear of him getting sick I try and force him to take extra cod liver oil (something he usually doesnt refuse) but did and it got on the carpet. I huffed and puffed and told him I was feeling very frustrated. I then apologized and tried to get him to take more cod liver oil. I know I know what was I thinking. He sucked it back trying to get me to stop and he started choking I instantly realized I messed up but it was to late. He choked and cried, and gaged, and gasped, and hiccuped for over 30 minutes. I felt terrible, I was so MAD at myself, I kept saying "im so sorry, Im so sorry mommy messed up, Im so sorry" Really I know better, I KNOW better. thats whats so frustrating about the whole thing. I know that he knows what his body needs not me, how dare I force vitamins down his throat, how dare I. Its his body not mine and Im here to offer all that I can and its up to him to choose what he needs. I want a do over. Sadly it didnt end there out of my shame and guilt I got mad at my dogs for barking haha sounds so stupid I put them in our bedroom and shut the door. Honestly reading this back its embarrassing I know better than this, I expect better of myself. Thank the lord tomorrow is a new day, I pray my son is not traumatized to ever take medicine again. Bad, horrible mommy moment. I know Im human but man what a stupid day.
P.s word to the wise (new mommies) As hard as it might be block the world out and listen, listen really closely. What is your baby trying to tell you? Not what did that book say or friend but what is YOUR baby trying to say. Your baby knows what he wants and needs so they are the ones who should take our cues from. Rachel Rainbolt said something in her last video if your baby is crying and wants to be held HOLD YOUR BABY. Dont analyse it or think your going to spoil him. So im saying to myself if your son is getting sick and doesn't want to eat or take medicine DONT MAKE HIM EAT OR TAKE MEDICINE. :)
Nite nite friends
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Orange fish
Do you ever feel like an orange fish in a sea of purple fish? Lately Ive been feeling a little dis connected, a little isolated, a little (maybe a lot) mis understood. Ive been learning a lot about myself and this world around me. Ive been learning just how different we all are, how my truth is not your truth. Not because its not the truth but because we are all on different paths, different journeys. This isnt easy for me Im a passionate learner, if I can be better please tell me. I spend a lot of my life learning, I spend a lot of time thinking adjusting myself. Please dont mis understand this for boasting as its not in the slightest, Im a work in progress I will be till the day I die, I dont believe there is such thing as "arriving". I mess up daily, but I try to be aware of it and change it. The hard part for me is Im learning a lot of people dont want to change, they are happy right where they are in their pretty little comfort zone. I think sometimes its just to much work to change, its another thing on the to do list, I think it hurts to change we have to then admit we messed up(not easy), I think it can isolate us to change (exactly where I feel I am)
I struggle with this in part because I want to love and be loved by others, I want to be excepted, I believe as a christian its part of my walk to be able to walk among everyone and be able to connect just like jesus did without judgement. I find the line between distancing myself to protect myself and judgement to be a blurred one. How can I say I feel like I can not be around you anymore for my own personal growth without that person feeling judged or it even being because I am judging their path in life? Or that because I am on a different path I am now being isolated and judged. How can you love people for where they are at when you don't agree with their life choices? Is it good for you to surround yourself with that?
I know confusing right? Maybe I just need to find some orange fish. Maybe I need to understand my truth in such a way that its mine and only mine not to be shared. But then who is Kirista Berry if her truth is not worn on her sleeve? I guess those who love me will love my truth for exactly as it is as I need to do the same for your truth, and if not then this orange fish will need to swim on to warmer, more loving waters.
Nite nite friends
I struggle with this in part because I want to love and be loved by others, I want to be excepted, I believe as a christian its part of my walk to be able to walk among everyone and be able to connect just like jesus did without judgement. I find the line between distancing myself to protect myself and judgement to be a blurred one. How can I say I feel like I can not be around you anymore for my own personal growth without that person feeling judged or it even being because I am judging their path in life? Or that because I am on a different path I am now being isolated and judged. How can you love people for where they are at when you don't agree with their life choices? Is it good for you to surround yourself with that?
I know confusing right? Maybe I just need to find some orange fish. Maybe I need to understand my truth in such a way that its mine and only mine not to be shared. But then who is Kirista Berry if her truth is not worn on her sleeve? I guess those who love me will love my truth for exactly as it is as I need to do the same for your truth, and if not then this orange fish will need to swim on to warmer, more loving waters.
Nite nite friends
Thursday, September 19, 2013
The ugly possibility of life
1st let me start this out by saying that Im totally fine so you dont need to read this at the edge of your seat. :)
One month ago I was grabbing a drink of water before heading to bed, for some reason my hand was on my chest. All of a sudden I stopped dead in my tracks "whats that" I thought, wait whoa what is that? I hurried to my bedroom, grabbed my husbands hand placed it on my chest " oh wow what is that?" he says. Me (slightly freaking out) "oh my gosh is that a lump?" my husband: " I think so...... you better get that checked out". Ummmm WHAT?
Instantly I got online I typed in Small hard lump in right breast pages and pages of things came up about breast cancer, I sat with my eyes glued to the screen reading, searching for something to tell me it was nothing, no big deal, go to sleep. The more I read the more I panicked. "God..... what is this?, WHAT IS THIS?" I somehow convinced myself to go to sleep. First thing in the morning I called my mom. "Mom I found a lump, its hard and it doesn't move" Searching for relief my mom said "If it doesnt move thats not a good thing" My mind started to spin this isnt real right Im 27, Im healthy, UMMM Im 27. I put Bryson down for a nap and was back eyes glued to the screen I read about women, women who were 27, who randomly found a lump and it was breast cancer. I sat silently on the couch tears streaming down my face. You see we always know something is a possibility but until you Feel that it really is a possibility, that this really could be true WOW it honestly took my breath away. I sat there silent tears streaming down my cheeks thinking oh my gosh Im 27, I have a 20 month old baby, I want more babies, I want to live forever, what if I need surgery?, whos going to watch my baby?, what if I cant breastfeed anymore? I knew I shouldnt have smoked so much pot, or drank so much in high school, Oh my gosh God please I can not have cancer, what if I die? Oh my gosh what if I die. I started to picture my son not having a mother, ugh I couldnt handle that thought. I pictured my husband getting re married and that women getting to see my son live his life, getting to see him graduate, walking down the aisle at his wedding, getting to be grandma to MY grand babies. My silent cry became a uncontrollable ugly face cry. I hyperventilated, I sobbed...... Now yes I get it that was dramatic given that I had no idea what this was but please cancer his a huge beast in our society right now. My brother lost his friend to cancer while he was in high school, my aunt passed away from cancer a couple years ago, I have a friends who's nephew was just diagnosed, my best friends father was diagnosed last year and her mother and law a few weeks ago, I have another aunt who has had cancer twice the list goes on. Its horrid, its extremely sad to say but its common its possible, and that possibility was to great for me to bear. My husbands mother passed away when he was 17, I think of her often, but now I started to sympathize with her, my gosh her nightmare did come true, and "that" women is living in her house and holding her grand baby. Stuff like this HAPPENS and it happened to my husbands mother.
I went to my doctors appointment praying she would laugh and say its nothing, but she felt it and said " I dont want you to stress but because its hard and it doesnt move Im very concerned and you need to get a ultrasound" I sat there staring at her, while my toddler zoomed his cars on the chair in her office. I sat there fighting the tears, fighting that the possibility grew stronger. I left her office feeling like I was in a nightmare like what was unfolding couldnt possibly be true.
My ultra sound appointment was 2 weeks out 2WEEKS. Every morning I got up and felt that stupid lump, I always thought maybe Id wake up and it would be gone. I googled and googled and googled some more. Everynight I prayed that God would rid my body of anything that was not supposed to be there. I would look in the mirror and say "Im healthy, Im strong, and im going to die of old age".
Finally it was D day the day my fate would be revealed I woke up feeling calm so I thought until I used the bathroom about 30 times before leaving the house at 8:30 am. Its funny how we can think we are not stressed out but our bodies show us we are. We showed up to the very hospital my son was born at and went down stairs to the very spot I laid with my tiny belly and got to see my growing baby. The nurse called my name as I parted ways with my husband and son I prayed when I saw them next Id be smiling. We went into a dark room where she asked if a male student could come in and see how to work the machine. Me: "sure" What I was really thinking was "are you joking" I laid there my boob out staring at the screen, in my 2 weeks of google searching I had looked at ultrasound photos and I was scanning for anything that looked like cancer. I asked the tech "what do you see?" She calmly said "the doctor will come in when Im done and speak to you" I hated that answer like really lady just tell me. She took her photos then exited the room, a minute later the doctor came in. She told me everything looked great, it was a cyst probably from hormones from breastfeeding and could be surgically removed or it could possibly go away. "Oh my good lord thats it? Like I dont have breast cancer?" Oh my gosh I DONT HAVE BREAST CANCER!!! I ran to see my baby boy I hugged my husband I laughed at how nervous I was. Driving home I couldnt help think of all the people who leave those appointments in tears, feeling overwhelming thoughts of fear. I couldnt help but think of all the possibilities of this life, all the ugly possibilities of it. I couldnt help but think that one day I could leave one of those appointments in tears, or that my husband could, or my mom, or my dad, or sister or brother or best friend. Why God are there such ugly possibilities in this life...... why?
nite nite friends
One month ago I was grabbing a drink of water before heading to bed, for some reason my hand was on my chest. All of a sudden I stopped dead in my tracks "whats that" I thought, wait whoa what is that? I hurried to my bedroom, grabbed my husbands hand placed it on my chest " oh wow what is that?" he says. Me (slightly freaking out) "oh my gosh is that a lump?" my husband: " I think so...... you better get that checked out". Ummmm WHAT?
Instantly I got online I typed in Small hard lump in right breast pages and pages of things came up about breast cancer, I sat with my eyes glued to the screen reading, searching for something to tell me it was nothing, no big deal, go to sleep. The more I read the more I panicked. "God..... what is this?, WHAT IS THIS?" I somehow convinced myself to go to sleep. First thing in the morning I called my mom. "Mom I found a lump, its hard and it doesn't move" Searching for relief my mom said "If it doesnt move thats not a good thing" My mind started to spin this isnt real right Im 27, Im healthy, UMMM Im 27. I put Bryson down for a nap and was back eyes glued to the screen I read about women, women who were 27, who randomly found a lump and it was breast cancer. I sat silently on the couch tears streaming down my face. You see we always know something is a possibility but until you Feel that it really is a possibility, that this really could be true WOW it honestly took my breath away. I sat there silent tears streaming down my cheeks thinking oh my gosh Im 27, I have a 20 month old baby, I want more babies, I want to live forever, what if I need surgery?, whos going to watch my baby?, what if I cant breastfeed anymore? I knew I shouldnt have smoked so much pot, or drank so much in high school, Oh my gosh God please I can not have cancer, what if I die? Oh my gosh what if I die. I started to picture my son not having a mother, ugh I couldnt handle that thought. I pictured my husband getting re married and that women getting to see my son live his life, getting to see him graduate, walking down the aisle at his wedding, getting to be grandma to MY grand babies. My silent cry became a uncontrollable ugly face cry. I hyperventilated, I sobbed...... Now yes I get it that was dramatic given that I had no idea what this was but please cancer his a huge beast in our society right now. My brother lost his friend to cancer while he was in high school, my aunt passed away from cancer a couple years ago, I have a friends who's nephew was just diagnosed, my best friends father was diagnosed last year and her mother and law a few weeks ago, I have another aunt who has had cancer twice the list goes on. Its horrid, its extremely sad to say but its common its possible, and that possibility was to great for me to bear. My husbands mother passed away when he was 17, I think of her often, but now I started to sympathize with her, my gosh her nightmare did come true, and "that" women is living in her house and holding her grand baby. Stuff like this HAPPENS and it happened to my husbands mother.
I went to my doctors appointment praying she would laugh and say its nothing, but she felt it and said " I dont want you to stress but because its hard and it doesnt move Im very concerned and you need to get a ultrasound" I sat there staring at her, while my toddler zoomed his cars on the chair in her office. I sat there fighting the tears, fighting that the possibility grew stronger. I left her office feeling like I was in a nightmare like what was unfolding couldnt possibly be true.
My ultra sound appointment was 2 weeks out 2WEEKS. Every morning I got up and felt that stupid lump, I always thought maybe Id wake up and it would be gone. I googled and googled and googled some more. Everynight I prayed that God would rid my body of anything that was not supposed to be there. I would look in the mirror and say "Im healthy, Im strong, and im going to die of old age".
Finally it was D day the day my fate would be revealed I woke up feeling calm so I thought until I used the bathroom about 30 times before leaving the house at 8:30 am. Its funny how we can think we are not stressed out but our bodies show us we are. We showed up to the very hospital my son was born at and went down stairs to the very spot I laid with my tiny belly and got to see my growing baby. The nurse called my name as I parted ways with my husband and son I prayed when I saw them next Id be smiling. We went into a dark room where she asked if a male student could come in and see how to work the machine. Me: "sure" What I was really thinking was "are you joking" I laid there my boob out staring at the screen, in my 2 weeks of google searching I had looked at ultrasound photos and I was scanning for anything that looked like cancer. I asked the tech "what do you see?" She calmly said "the doctor will come in when Im done and speak to you" I hated that answer like really lady just tell me. She took her photos then exited the room, a minute later the doctor came in. She told me everything looked great, it was a cyst probably from hormones from breastfeeding and could be surgically removed or it could possibly go away. "Oh my good lord thats it? Like I dont have breast cancer?" Oh my gosh I DONT HAVE BREAST CANCER!!! I ran to see my baby boy I hugged my husband I laughed at how nervous I was. Driving home I couldnt help think of all the people who leave those appointments in tears, feeling overwhelming thoughts of fear. I couldnt help but think of all the possibilities of this life, all the ugly possibilities of it. I couldnt help but think that one day I could leave one of those appointments in tears, or that my husband could, or my mom, or my dad, or sister or brother or best friend. Why God are there such ugly possibilities in this life...... why?
nite nite friends
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Lets All Communicate.....
Ask most seasoned couples the secret to a great relationship and most likely they will say "communication". Being able to communicate effectively with other human beings is essential, its vital for healthy relationships. So why are we all so bad at it? Why is it considered a skill or "fine art" when its essential for the quality of our lives?
I for one am a terrible communicator in 4 years of marriage this has single handily been our biggest struggle. Im an avoider I pile things up until I burst and spew out months of negative feelings. A simple "honey Im feeling overwhelmed and I need your help" used to be impossible for me to say instead I would stare at him hating him for not reading my mind and jumping up to help me, or hating myself for actually needing help. Who needs help anyway? (joke) This year I vowed things would be different the biggest reason was, I want my son to have a good example of how communication works and well that means me and my husband need to get good at it. Holy MOLY what a difference!! When we have the love and support to just BE our feelings no matter what they are, to feel safe enough to share. How would that make you feel?
Sometimes I just need to be able to come to my husband and say "I feel grumpy and I have no idea why" and I need him to just except that, not take it personally, and not think its wrong to feel grumpy. Sometimes I just need to burrow my face in his chest and cry and be sad and let it all out without being told its going to be ok, because at that moment I don't care I just need the space to feel and I need the love to be able to communicate it. I need to be able to say "you know when you did XYZ that really hurt my feelings" and for him to say " I didn't realize that Im sorry you felt that way". How beautiful it is to walk away from a disagreement feeling heard, feeling closer, feeling on the same page, what a breath of fresh air. Having a safe place to share our feelings where they will be validated, excepted, not taken personally bridges a gap where we can then share all of us our hopes, dreams, desires, likes, dislikes, bad moods, the whole shabang.
It starts in childhood one of the biggest, best, most brilliant lessons I ever learned in parenting is to let my son BE who he is in ALL his colors. Whether he is happy, sad, mad, frustrated, joyful, grumpy, silly etc... I was going to honor that and be a safe place for him to express all of it, all while guiding him to communicate it properly. I never wanted to shut down what he was trying to tell me. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't take his feelings and the way he was communicating them personally, I was never going to tell him: " your okay, stop crying right now, be a big boy, your faking it, dont be such a girl, chin up, thats enough, crying is for babies, that wasnt a big deal, its not the end of the world, thats unacceptable, I dont have time for this" ect I was and am going to validate and empathize, bridging connection and emulating everything that I would want done to me. In turn Learning so much more about who he really is and how he thinks, making a safe place for him to never feel like he has to hide who he is. Hopefully giving him the confidence to go out in the world and be able to communicate all of that.
Lately Ive been role playing with Bryson how to communicate the feeling of being uncomfortable or how to protect his things. I tell him if anyone ever touches you and you dont like it or they try and take something from you, put your hand up and say " STOP". He needs to know that its ok to tell even a adult that he doesnt like what they are doing and thats PERFECTLY ok. Excellent communication is not rude or brash, but it is straight to the point and it leaves no room for questioning. At 20 months a simple but firm STOP gets the point across far better then hitting or screaming does.
I am again terrible at this in my own life I was at the grocery store the other day and this old man was behind me, I kindly asked if he wanted to go in front of me because he only had a few items. He looked me up and down and said " I want to stand back here, so I can look at you better". I awkwardly laughed and went up to the cashier all while feeling these gross eye balls piercing threw me. I came home and told my husband about the gross old man he said " well did you say something to him?" I said " No I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable" My husband said " Well he made you feel uncomfortable didn't he". I thought to myself wow your so right, How many times have I let people say things or do things to me that felt uncomfortable? I never set up a boundary for myself communicating that I didn't like it? and why? Because I didnt want to make them feel uncomfortable? That makes no sense, I wish I could go back there and have the confidence to stick up for myself a simple " Well thats completely inappropriate" would have been clear enough without being rude, leaving me feeling empowered instead of violated.
These are my thoughts, this is what Im learning :)
Nite nite friends
I for one am a terrible communicator in 4 years of marriage this has single handily been our biggest struggle. Im an avoider I pile things up until I burst and spew out months of negative feelings. A simple "honey Im feeling overwhelmed and I need your help" used to be impossible for me to say instead I would stare at him hating him for not reading my mind and jumping up to help me, or hating myself for actually needing help. Who needs help anyway? (joke) This year I vowed things would be different the biggest reason was, I want my son to have a good example of how communication works and well that means me and my husband need to get good at it. Holy MOLY what a difference!! When we have the love and support to just BE our feelings no matter what they are, to feel safe enough to share. How would that make you feel?
Sometimes I just need to be able to come to my husband and say "I feel grumpy and I have no idea why" and I need him to just except that, not take it personally, and not think its wrong to feel grumpy. Sometimes I just need to burrow my face in his chest and cry and be sad and let it all out without being told its going to be ok, because at that moment I don't care I just need the space to feel and I need the love to be able to communicate it. I need to be able to say "you know when you did XYZ that really hurt my feelings" and for him to say " I didn't realize that Im sorry you felt that way". How beautiful it is to walk away from a disagreement feeling heard, feeling closer, feeling on the same page, what a breath of fresh air. Having a safe place to share our feelings where they will be validated, excepted, not taken personally bridges a gap where we can then share all of us our hopes, dreams, desires, likes, dislikes, bad moods, the whole shabang.
It starts in childhood one of the biggest, best, most brilliant lessons I ever learned in parenting is to let my son BE who he is in ALL his colors. Whether he is happy, sad, mad, frustrated, joyful, grumpy, silly etc... I was going to honor that and be a safe place for him to express all of it, all while guiding him to communicate it properly. I never wanted to shut down what he was trying to tell me. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't take his feelings and the way he was communicating them personally, I was never going to tell him: " your okay, stop crying right now, be a big boy, your faking it, dont be such a girl, chin up, thats enough, crying is for babies, that wasnt a big deal, its not the end of the world, thats unacceptable, I dont have time for this" ect I was and am going to validate and empathize, bridging connection and emulating everything that I would want done to me. In turn Learning so much more about who he really is and how he thinks, making a safe place for him to never feel like he has to hide who he is. Hopefully giving him the confidence to go out in the world and be able to communicate all of that.
Lately Ive been role playing with Bryson how to communicate the feeling of being uncomfortable or how to protect his things. I tell him if anyone ever touches you and you dont like it or they try and take something from you, put your hand up and say " STOP". He needs to know that its ok to tell even a adult that he doesnt like what they are doing and thats PERFECTLY ok. Excellent communication is not rude or brash, but it is straight to the point and it leaves no room for questioning. At 20 months a simple but firm STOP gets the point across far better then hitting or screaming does.
I am again terrible at this in my own life I was at the grocery store the other day and this old man was behind me, I kindly asked if he wanted to go in front of me because he only had a few items. He looked me up and down and said " I want to stand back here, so I can look at you better". I awkwardly laughed and went up to the cashier all while feeling these gross eye balls piercing threw me. I came home and told my husband about the gross old man he said " well did you say something to him?" I said " No I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable" My husband said " Well he made you feel uncomfortable didn't he". I thought to myself wow your so right, How many times have I let people say things or do things to me that felt uncomfortable? I never set up a boundary for myself communicating that I didn't like it? and why? Because I didnt want to make them feel uncomfortable? That makes no sense, I wish I could go back there and have the confidence to stick up for myself a simple " Well thats completely inappropriate" would have been clear enough without being rude, leaving me feeling empowered instead of violated.
These are my thoughts, this is what Im learning :)
Nite nite friends
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