Today I want a do over. Ever have one of those days where once its coming to an end you think "oh lord I didnt do good today?" That was me today, I failed. I failed myself, my dogs, my son and my mom, I was short, I was frustrated and I needed a time out but wasnt wise enough to take one.
Patience is my toughest work, its hard for me. Im very patient with Bryson but tend to take out my frustration on other people or things (my dogs) and today no one could win. Bryson napped 30 minutes I dont know why but this is a trigger for me, Im doing better with it and can now laugh it off but for some reason when his nap schedule gets messed up so do I. Then while driving I took a wrong turn and ended up lost, my son said about 100 times how hungry he was, that he wanted out of the car and that he dropped his truck on the ground, all while my mom was on the phone with customer service. (bad car ride) Then we got stuck in traffic coming home (another trigger). Then brysons nose started running like a faucet and I have to leave him all day saturday and sunday so my mommy guilt starts rising up as I fear he is getting sick. Out of my fear of him getting sick I try and force him to take extra cod liver oil (something he usually doesnt refuse) but did and it got on the carpet. I huffed and puffed and told him I was feeling very frustrated. I then apologized and tried to get him to take more cod liver oil. I know I know what was I thinking. He sucked it back trying to get me to stop and he started choking I instantly realized I messed up but it was to late. He choked and cried, and gaged, and gasped, and hiccuped for over 30 minutes. I felt terrible, I was so MAD at myself, I kept saying "im so sorry, Im so sorry mommy messed up, Im so sorry" Really I know better, I KNOW better. thats whats so frustrating about the whole thing. I know that he knows what his body needs not me, how dare I force vitamins down his throat, how dare I. Its his body not mine and Im here to offer all that I can and its up to him to choose what he needs. I want a do over. Sadly it didnt end there out of my shame and guilt I got mad at my dogs for barking haha sounds so stupid I put them in our bedroom and shut the door. Honestly reading this back its embarrassing I know better than this, I expect better of myself. Thank the lord tomorrow is a new day, I pray my son is not traumatized to ever take medicine again. Bad, horrible mommy moment. I know Im human but man what a stupid day.
P.s word to the wise (new mommies) As hard as it might be block the world out and listen, listen really closely. What is your baby trying to tell you? Not what did that book say or friend but what is YOUR baby trying to say. Your baby knows what he wants and needs so they are the ones who should take our cues from. Rachel Rainbolt said something in her last video if your baby is crying and wants to be held HOLD YOUR BABY. Dont analyse it or think your going to spoil him. So im saying to myself if your son is getting sick and doesn't want to eat or take medicine DONT MAKE HIM EAT OR TAKE MEDICINE. :)
Nite nite friends
Thank you so much Kirista! I have so been there. We have all been there. It's actually through having these experiences that we feel out our sense of where and who we want to be as a parent and with our relationship with our child. These experience are superb opportunities and without them, we would have no compass as to who and where we want to be and no confidence in that.
ReplyDeleteWhen Kai was very little we were still being told by doctors that fevers needed to be stopped at all cost so one time when my poor little Kai-Kai had a high fever I was pouring Motrin down his throat in front of a fan as he shivered cold and wet screaming and then threw up every fluid he had gotten down. In that moment I knew that I knew better than my doctor what my baby boy needed to heal and this was not it.
Having these experiences help us on our journey toward becoming our best selves so congratulations on taking a step closer to the person and parent you want to become.