Ask most seasoned couples the secret to a great relationship and most likely they will say "communication". Being able to communicate effectively with other human beings is essential, its vital for healthy relationships. So why are we all so bad at it? Why is it considered a skill or "fine art" when its essential for the quality of our lives?
I for one am a terrible communicator in 4 years of marriage this has single handily been our biggest struggle. Im an avoider I pile things up until I burst and spew out months of negative feelings. A simple "honey Im feeling overwhelmed and I need your help" used to be impossible for me to say instead I would stare at him hating him for not reading my mind and jumping up to help me, or hating myself for actually needing help. Who needs help anyway? (joke) This year I vowed things would be different the biggest reason was, I want my son to have a good example of how communication works and well that means me and my husband need to get good at it. Holy MOLY what a difference!! When we have the love and support to just BE our feelings no matter what they are, to feel safe enough to share. How would that make you feel?
Sometimes I just need to be able to come to my husband and say "I feel grumpy and I have no idea why" and I need him to just except that, not take it personally, and not think its wrong to feel grumpy. Sometimes I just need to burrow my face in his chest and cry and be sad and let it all out without being told its going to be ok, because at that moment I don't care I just need the space to feel and I need the love to be able to communicate it. I need to be able to say "you know when you did XYZ that really hurt my feelings" and for him to say " I didn't realize that Im sorry you felt that way". How beautiful it is to walk away from a disagreement feeling heard, feeling closer, feeling on the same page, what a breath of fresh air. Having a safe place to share our feelings where they will be validated, excepted, not taken personally bridges a gap where we can then share all of us our hopes, dreams, desires, likes, dislikes, bad moods, the whole shabang.
It starts in childhood one of the biggest, best, most brilliant lessons I ever learned in parenting is to let my son BE who he is in ALL his colors. Whether he is happy, sad, mad, frustrated, joyful, grumpy, silly etc... I was going to honor that and be a safe place for him to express all of it, all while guiding him to communicate it properly. I never wanted to shut down what he was trying to tell me. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't take his feelings and the way he was communicating them personally, I was never going to tell him: " your okay, stop crying right now, be a big boy, your faking it, dont be such a girl, chin up, thats enough, crying is for babies, that wasnt a big deal, its not the end of the world, thats unacceptable, I dont have time for this" ect I was and am going to validate and empathize, bridging connection and emulating everything that I would want done to me. In turn Learning so much more about who he really is and how he thinks, making a safe place for him to never feel like he has to hide who he is. Hopefully giving him the confidence to go out in the world and be able to communicate all of that.
Lately Ive been role playing with Bryson how to communicate the feeling of being uncomfortable or how to protect his things. I tell him if anyone ever touches you and you dont like it or they try and take something from you, put your hand up and say " STOP". He needs to know that its ok to tell even a adult that he doesnt like what they are doing and thats PERFECTLY ok. Excellent communication is not rude or brash, but it is straight to the point and it leaves no room for questioning. At 20 months a simple but firm STOP gets the point across far better then hitting or screaming does.
I am again terrible at this in my own life I was at the grocery store the other day and this old man was behind me, I kindly asked if he wanted to go in front of me because he only had a few items. He looked me up and down and said " I want to stand back here, so I can look at you better". I awkwardly laughed and went up to the cashier all while feeling these gross eye balls piercing threw me. I came home and told my husband about the gross old man he said " well did you say something to him?" I said " No I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable" My husband said " Well he made you feel uncomfortable didn't he". I thought to myself wow your so right, How many times have I let people say things or do things to me that felt uncomfortable? I never set up a boundary for myself communicating that I didn't like it? and why? Because I didnt want to make them feel uncomfortable? That makes no sense, I wish I could go back there and have the confidence to stick up for myself a simple " Well thats completely inappropriate" would have been clear enough without being rude, leaving me feeling empowered instead of violated.
These are my thoughts, this is what Im learning :)
Nite nite friends
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