1st let me start this out by saying that Im totally fine so you dont need to read this at the edge of your seat. :)
One month ago I was grabbing a drink of water before heading to bed, for some reason my hand was on my chest. All of a sudden I stopped dead in my tracks "whats that" I thought, wait whoa what is that? I hurried to my bedroom, grabbed my husbands hand placed it on my chest " oh wow what is that?" he says. Me (slightly freaking out) "oh my gosh is that a lump?" my husband: " I think so...... you better get that checked out". Ummmm WHAT?
Instantly I got online I typed in Small hard lump in right breast pages and pages of things came up about breast cancer, I sat with my eyes glued to the screen reading, searching for something to tell me it was nothing, no big deal, go to sleep. The more I read the more I panicked. "God..... what is this?, WHAT IS THIS?" I somehow convinced myself to go to sleep. First thing in the morning I called my mom. "Mom I found a lump, its hard and it doesn't move" Searching for relief my mom said "If it doesnt move thats not a good thing" My mind started to spin this isnt real right Im 27, Im healthy, UMMM Im 27. I put Bryson down for a nap and was back eyes glued to the screen I read about women, women who were 27, who randomly found a lump and it was breast cancer. I sat silently on the couch tears streaming down my face. You see we always know something is a possibility but until you Feel that it really is a possibility, that this really could be true WOW it honestly took my breath away. I sat there silent tears streaming down my cheeks thinking oh my gosh Im 27, I have a 20 month old baby, I want more babies, I want to live forever, what if I need surgery?, whos going to watch my baby?, what if I cant breastfeed anymore? I knew I shouldnt have smoked so much pot, or drank so much in high school, Oh my gosh God please I can not have cancer, what if I die? Oh my gosh what if I die. I started to picture my son not having a mother, ugh I couldnt handle that thought. I pictured my husband getting re married and that women getting to see my son live his life, getting to see him graduate, walking down the aisle at his wedding, getting to be grandma to MY grand babies. My silent cry became a uncontrollable ugly face cry. I hyperventilated, I sobbed...... Now yes I get it that was dramatic given that I had no idea what this was but please cancer his a huge beast in our society right now. My brother lost his friend to cancer while he was in high school, my aunt passed away from cancer a couple years ago, I have a friends who's nephew was just diagnosed, my best friends father was diagnosed last year and her mother and law a few weeks ago, I have another aunt who has had cancer twice the list goes on. Its horrid, its extremely sad to say but its common its possible, and that possibility was to great for me to bear. My husbands mother passed away when he was 17, I think of her often, but now I started to sympathize with her, my gosh her nightmare did come true, and "that" women is living in her house and holding her grand baby. Stuff like this HAPPENS and it happened to my husbands mother.
I went to my doctors appointment praying she would laugh and say its nothing, but she felt it and said " I dont want you to stress but because its hard and it doesnt move Im very concerned and you need to get a ultrasound" I sat there staring at her, while my toddler zoomed his cars on the chair in her office. I sat there fighting the tears, fighting that the possibility grew stronger. I left her office feeling like I was in a nightmare like what was unfolding couldnt possibly be true.
My ultra sound appointment was 2 weeks out 2WEEKS. Every morning I got up and felt that stupid lump, I always thought maybe Id wake up and it would be gone. I googled and googled and googled some more. Everynight I prayed that God would rid my body of anything that was not supposed to be there. I would look in the mirror and say "Im healthy, Im strong, and im going to die of old age".
Finally it was D day the day my fate would be revealed I woke up feeling calm so I thought until I used the bathroom about 30 times before leaving the house at 8:30 am. Its funny how we can think we are not stressed out but our bodies show us we are. We showed up to the very hospital my son was born at and went down stairs to the very spot I laid with my tiny belly and got to see my growing baby. The nurse called my name as I parted ways with my husband and son I prayed when I saw them next Id be smiling. We went into a dark room where she asked if a male student could come in and see how to work the machine. Me: "sure" What I was really thinking was "are you joking" I laid there my boob out staring at the screen, in my 2 weeks of google searching I had looked at ultrasound photos and I was scanning for anything that looked like cancer. I asked the tech "what do you see?" She calmly said "the doctor will come in when Im done and speak to you" I hated that answer like really lady just tell me. She took her photos then exited the room, a minute later the doctor came in. She told me everything looked great, it was a cyst probably from hormones from breastfeeding and could be surgically removed or it could possibly go away. "Oh my good lord thats it? Like I dont have breast cancer?" Oh my gosh I DONT HAVE BREAST CANCER!!! I ran to see my baby boy I hugged my husband I laughed at how nervous I was. Driving home I couldnt help think of all the people who leave those appointments in tears, feeling overwhelming thoughts of fear. I couldnt help but think of all the possibilities of this life, all the ugly possibilities of it. I couldnt help but think that one day I could leave one of those appointments in tears, or that my husband could, or my mom, or my dad, or sister or brother or best friend. Why God are there such ugly possibilities in this life...... why?
nite nite friends
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