My parenting Philosophy

1st let me start by saying I am no expert, Ive been doing this for 18 months so to even think I have it figured out is comical. Just like health I dont believe there is a one size fits all approach to parenting. What I do believe is we have to parent the way that makes sense in our soul. Parenting holds so much weight and can be such a touchy subject, so I really hope you hear my heart. There is no such thing as a perfect parent or perfect parenting, but there is such thing as trying to become better and that is the definition of perfect parenting. We need to remember our choices will lead to either the pain of self discipline or the pain of regret.

The phrase: when the student is ready the teacher appears was beyond true in my journey as a new mom. Sitting in the hospital holding my couple hour old baby me and my husband were desperately trying to give him a name we finally decided on Bryson Robert Berry. My husband turns to me and says honey when he is in trouble you can yell BRYSON ROBERT BERRY!!! I looked at him and said "I could never yell at him honey" My new found ferocious love that consumed every inch of my soul couldn't possibly imagine ever being mad at this perfect little being. I knew I needed to learn, I knew I would need help but I was determined to keep this feeling alive. I met Rachel Rainbolt and at last I found my teacher she would then introduce me to this world that finally made sense that finally sat well with my soul. I devoured her book sage parenting I finally had the confidence to not listen to what the world was telling me, to go with my gut and thats where my philosophy started to unfold that I will forever and always parent my son with Empathy. 

I think when you start seeing your child with empathetic lenses they look different to you. I started to look at the world from his perspective, I started to see him as a human being not a baby. I realized that the behavior will one day fade and the relationship will be whats left of how I handled the behavior. His cries in the middle of the night was my scared son who had been loved and cuddled 24 hours a day in my tummy for 9 months who was now in a dark room all alone and his only way of communicating with me was crying. So many people told me to let him cry it out that he was manipulating me that he should never go in my bed it would ruin my marriage and he would be in there forever. Thank God I never listened, thank God i trusted myself enough to respect my son and what he needed. Some of my most cherished moments with my son are in my bed, waking up nose to nose breathing in his very existence.  Now as a toddler when my son is having a hard time  I see a boy having a hard time who is so desperately in need of loving help. He isn't a brat, or controlling, or trying to runin my day. His brain isnt developed he needs to be shown how to act not punished. I think sometimes we hold such high expectations over our children like they aren't supposed to have bad days, or whine, and just cant be grumpy but its perfectly acceptable for an adult to be. If I want my son to show me kindness then I have to show him kindness, not sometimes, not most of the time, ALL the time. Is this easy? No I have to stop and remind myself to breath I repeat over and over again in my head "I am the voice of calm and peace, I set the tone for our house".  I have to take ownership for myself! The way we react to our children is a choice bryson isnt making me mad I can very well choose to stay calm. I dont want him learning this at 27 I want him to grow up knowing it because thats all he has ever been shown. This is emotional intelligence, this is far more important to me then learning the ABC's or how to ride a bike. Its what will set the tone for his whole life, how he will respond to the world.



"Listen earnestly to anything your children wants to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff".  This is my motto every emotion my son feels is okay with me and is a big deal I take it seriously when he is scared or upset. I dont laugh or tell him he is ok.... He isnt ok he is upset or scared. This doesnt mean I over exaggerate or blow it out of proportion I go off of what he is feeling not me. He was recently super scared about flies (I think its cause he thought they were bees) So anytime he was playing outside and started to cry because a fly wouldnt leave him alone I would kneel down next to him and say " I see the fly is upsetting you, do you not want him around?" and he would shake his head yes so I would say "ummmm I wonder how we can get him to go away? Maybe we can say go away fly and move our hand around" I would stay close by so if a fly would come around i could help him do that. He isnt afraid of flies anymore and has no problem saying go go go when a fly or a bee comes around. I didnt have to make him feel stupid and say oh my goodness its just a fly dont act like such a baby. I helped him problem solve so that he learned how to not be scared anymore.



I really believe that children dont want to misbehave, I believe there is alway a underlining issue (hunger, tiered, in need of attention, connection issues, problem at school etc) My 18 month old is not capable of thinking I really want to be bad right now so Im going to hit the dog. He is overcome with emotion has no idea what to do with it so he looses control of himself. OR he is curious of how I will react to him when touching the light socket after being told "no touch". Yelling or throwing him in timeout or spanking doesnt help his brain learn what not to do, or how to handle himself. When I mess up and if my husband yells at me or shuts himself off emotionally from me it doesnt help me learn it makes me feel disconnected, unloveable, resentful, and makes me down on myself. Im 27 can you imagine what a child would think when its coming from the one person they love most in this world, who they rely on for their survival? In a resent study American kids were asked why they should't hit the dog. The majority said because they would get in trouble. That's alarming!!! I mean if you really think about it as you got older and you were going to do something you shouldn't do did you think I shouldnt do this because I'll get in trouble? or did you think I shouldnt do this because I can cause pain to someone and its not the right thing to do? By using punishment do we really teach our children the difference between whats right and wrong? Or are we just controlling their thought process with fear? Rachel Rainbolt the author of sage parenting says she wants to raise free thinkers not obedient children. That speaks to me THAT makes sense. I want my son to apologize not because Ive made him say sorry so many times he feels he must say it, I want him to say it because he genuinely understands what he did and feels sorry. I dont want him to follow what I say because "I said so" and if he doesnt he will be in trouble. I want him to have such a strong connection with me of a relationship that is built on mutual respect and love that he WANTS to behave. Will he always listen? Of course not, will he get off track? Of course he is human, but when the foundation to our relationships is connection getting back on track doesnt have to be a power struggle.

So does this mean I let my son do whatever he wants and get away with everything? Not at all. Kids need boundaries in order to feel safe. So I do what Dr. Laura from Ahaparenting.com says: set empathetic limits. I LOVE her web site and her book peaceful parent happy child. I read her blog everyday it continually helps me change my thoughts and change my words for the better.  When I have to leave the house and bryson is busy playing I always put myself in his world and respect what he is doing. I get down to his level comment on his project "wow buddy mommy sees you working hard on that tower, you look like your really having fun with that". "In about 2 minuets mommy really needs your help to get out of the door we need to go get groceries, can you help me with that?" If he says no then I say " I know its hard to leave things that we are having fun with but mommy really needs to get groceries and you can work on this when we get back" In 2 minutes I say "okay sweets its time to go" He usually has no problem coming but if he did and he hit me I would hold his hand and say "hitting hurts and its never ok to hit, hands are for being gentle, I understand its hard to leave your toys. Would you like to pick a small toy to bring with us for the car?"  Im not rewarding him for hitting me Im filling a need.

This type of parenting is hard it takes self control, TONS of patience, and a lot of changing on my part. But the best things in life are never free they take a lot of blood sweat and tears and I believe my relationship with my son is worth it. My prayer is that he grows up feeling cherished, valued and respected. That he doesnt just know that I adore him but that he FEELS it, that he feels that no matter what NO MATTER WHAT I love him with all of my heart. He is a miracle he is my gift from God and I have my whole life to show him that everyday. As a christian I try and think about what Jesus would have been like if he was dad, he was so kind and compassionate, so warm and powerful. So slow to anger but quick with grace. I feel like if i did something that didnt please him he would gently touch my face and say "my child I love you, you bring me great joy and nothing you do can ever change that" Thats what I want for my son and I will live everyday trying to be better.

xoxo