I write this with a baby fast asleep on my chest, skin to skin because it was the only thing that got him to stop crying. This 2 kid thing is not perfect nor is it easy but I think we've found our happy place. Even on nights like tonight when all goes to hell and my poor baby just screams and screams, I find happiness in it. One thing Ive learnt very recently is "all is well", All is WELL. He will stop crying eventually, they will go to sleep at some point, the day will end, happiness will appear after a meltdown, all is well. Bryson was/has been going threw something. Everyday more and more I start to see my little guy again, but for awhile he has been a little touch and go. My toddler who maybe has had 5 meltdowns in his life started having them weekly, started waking up in a funk and screaming about God knows what. This was trying, you know that feeling in your gut you get when your child is pushing you over insanity? I felt this more then Id like to admit, the whole "stop, take a deep breath, don't strangle your child, this isn't a emergency" Repeated over and over in my head. I realized A lot of what was going on with Bryson was because I wasn't fully myself. The person he was closest too was a little out of sorts, a little out of wack. Which made his world feel very insecure. A trip back home was exactly what I needed, to find some perspective, spend some one on one time with my boys especially Bryson, and get some help. Having Torrey has been very humbling for me, I need help, I can't do it all. I have a hard time asking for it, even admitting that Im not super women, but Im out numbered and I can't do it all. It feels good now and Im getting used to speaking up. I still find the hardest part of having two kids is the constant tug of war I feel internally. I want to give my undivided attention to both of them. Stare and soak in everything that is Torrey, but also run around the house and wrestle with Bryson. I feel Bryson gets the short end of the stick on this one because Torreys needs trump his most of the time, and sometimes I feel Im disappointing to him. So when Torrey sleeps for 30 minuets on his own, or is happy playing under his play mat I cherish that time I get to spend with both eyes on Bryson just laughing and enjoying him. My body is slowly becoming my own again, Im down 30 pounds and have 20 to go I finally fit into 3 pairs of my pants which feels good and the stretch marks on my boobs really don't look all that bad. It will come, those pounds will eventually fall off and Ill feel comfortable in this new skin of mine.
There is so much good when it comes to having two kids but my top 2 favorite things are One: getting to relive this all over again. The first smiles, the skin to skin, the connection between a mommy and her baby, the baby coo's and just knowing what is in store for you while you watch them grow. The second thing I love so much is watching my Bryson, I don't know how he ever lived without Torrey. He was born to be a big brother that is for sure, he has fiercely adored his baby brother since the second he laid eyes on him. They are soul mates and as a mom I have a thankful heart for that one. They are lucky to have each other and I feel lucky that I get to watch them grow.
Well friends nite nite and Merry Christmas I pray your heart is full :) Remember All is well!
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Thursday, October 30, 2014
5 Weeks postpartum
Ive heard that at some point when having kids you go through a hard transition. Its either when you have your 1st child, second child, or third child, for me its having a second child. I breezed into motherhood with Bryson. I walked out those hospital doors the same weight I was before I got pregnant, I wore make up, did my hair, had a clean house, felt mentally together and for the most part felt like I knew what I was doing. This time I feel a little bit like a hot mess. I barley fit into anything, my body is not the same as it was before and to be honest its bothering me. Its hard to look in the mirror and not recognize the body that you see. I don't wear makeup because I know that by the time night time comes I will be far to tired to wash it off. My hair lives in a bun and my roots are growing farther and farther down my head and I have no idea when Ill be able to fix that problem. Most days when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror I cringe "good lord who is that". Showers are luxuries these days, and my clothes are always dirty.
I also for the 1st time in 6 years feel incredibly home sick. Not even for the help aspect of it but Im longing for something to feel familiar, Im not really sure why this is but I feel like I have a hole in my heart. My parents won't be able to come this christmas either which is also making me feel a little anxious, its my first christmas i will ever spend without them and it happens to be the year that Im having the hardest time UGH.
Im feeling the mommy guilt on top of this as I don't feel like a fun mom anymore. Instead of chasing bryson around the house, wrestling with him and sliding down slides with him. Im often rocking a baby, or have a baby asleep on my chest. I find myself saying a lot "I would love to play with you buddy but i need to get brother to sleep" I hate this part about having two kids I want to be chasing my son around and screaming as we run around the house, I want to play in the sand with him, or heck I want to just sit and read stories without rocking a baby at the same time. I feel bad for him and I sort of feel Im missing out also. He has been acting out lately, and not fully acting like himself. This catches me off guard because Im not used to it and don't always know how to react to him. Now don't get me wrong I love rocking babies to sleep, I LOVE having my baby asleep on my chest, but I also love being a fun mom and not being able to do both is hard for me. I want to be able to be fully there for both my boys instead of juggling both of them. Which brings me to the next thing my house is gross,it hasn't been cleaned in a month a MONTH!! For those of you who know me that is insane, my house used to always be clean. With my juggling show that I have all day and night there is no time for me to clean the house I can barely keep the dishes clean, and not being able to do it all feels frustrating. At the end of the day Im thankful, I love these two boys with all that I am, I love watching my son with his brother, I love having a new born in the house again. Im just not as much of a wonder women that I thought I was. haha I know it will get easier , we will fall into a rhythm, and more and more Ill start feeling like myself again. Its just tough right now, but the best things in life are never easy.
Nite nite friends
I also for the 1st time in 6 years feel incredibly home sick. Not even for the help aspect of it but Im longing for something to feel familiar, Im not really sure why this is but I feel like I have a hole in my heart. My parents won't be able to come this christmas either which is also making me feel a little anxious, its my first christmas i will ever spend without them and it happens to be the year that Im having the hardest time UGH.
Im feeling the mommy guilt on top of this as I don't feel like a fun mom anymore. Instead of chasing bryson around the house, wrestling with him and sliding down slides with him. Im often rocking a baby, or have a baby asleep on my chest. I find myself saying a lot "I would love to play with you buddy but i need to get brother to sleep" I hate this part about having two kids I want to be chasing my son around and screaming as we run around the house, I want to play in the sand with him, or heck I want to just sit and read stories without rocking a baby at the same time. I feel bad for him and I sort of feel Im missing out also. He has been acting out lately, and not fully acting like himself. This catches me off guard because Im not used to it and don't always know how to react to him. Now don't get me wrong I love rocking babies to sleep, I LOVE having my baby asleep on my chest, but I also love being a fun mom and not being able to do both is hard for me. I want to be able to be fully there for both my boys instead of juggling both of them. Which brings me to the next thing my house is gross,it hasn't been cleaned in a month a MONTH!! For those of you who know me that is insane, my house used to always be clean. With my juggling show that I have all day and night there is no time for me to clean the house I can barely keep the dishes clean, and not being able to do it all feels frustrating. At the end of the day Im thankful, I love these two boys with all that I am, I love watching my son with his brother, I love having a new born in the house again. Im just not as much of a wonder women that I thought I was. haha I know it will get easier , we will fall into a rhythm, and more and more Ill start feeling like myself again. Its just tough right now, but the best things in life are never easy.
Nite nite friends
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Birth of Torrey John
Hold on peeps this is going to be a long one.
After I had Bryson I was traumatized of labour, I would look at a pregnant women and start crying for fear of what they had to go threw. I didn't want to give birth ever again and it took a long time before I felt brave enough to go down that road. So as the idea of another baby slowly started to sound possible, so did the idea of a completely different birth. I decided before i got pregnant that Id do a home birth, that if I was going to have a natural birth what was the point of the horrendous car ride, the strangers coming in and out of the room, and all the monitors and annoying questions. This birth, actually this pregnancy was going to be my own, my choices, my story. So at last that test had two lines and I now had 9 months to get really comfortable with the idea of labour. I hired my midwife (who changed my life), hired my doula, and started on a journey of looking fear in the face and choosing to go threw it like a freight train. This experience was the opposite of my experience with Bryson not one similarity except for the fact that in the end I got my baby. My visits with my midwife lasted a hour, we talked about feelings, health, and my body, we got to know each other. I gained 20 extra pounds this time around and Id be lying if I said that at first it didn't bother me, my eating disorder wanted to rear its ugly head. You know what though my midwife walked me threw this, she praised every pound saying "excellent" when I would get on the scale. She focused on what I was eating and would tell me "your diet is perfect, trust your body it needs this weight". Did I mention that I love her? Me and my doula became friends she was someone that I trusted, she understood how important this was to me and was my teammate. I started to mentally prepare for a marathon, I started to go threw the fear of terrible pain, exhaustion, and unknowns. I got mentally tough but allowed myself to cry over it. I visualized my whole birth often, multiple times a day as it got closer. I then had to conquer my biggest fear how my son would handle this, he was going to be ok right? We watched birth videos, we talked about EVERYTHING, how babies come out, what they will look like, what mom will sound like, how he can help mom, who is going to care for him while mom is working hard. He came to every appointment with my midwife and doula. The kid knows more about female anatomy then most male adults do. At one of my appointments as I went to get on the table he nonchalantly asked me "momma what is Mrs Marla gonna get in your vagina?" haha Toddlers. The kid was as ready as anyone could be, he actually still asks to watch birth videos haha. Ok now to the goods
My mom arrived on friday and just like with Bryson I now felt like I needed to get this baby out to utilize my time with her. So when my acupuncturist checked my birthing points and told me my body wasn't ready. I was bummed, he said I probably had a week, your joking right? I was Determined to prove him wrong. My doula gave me a induction massage on saturday, on tuesday I had induction acupuncture and still nothing!! Ugh. This baby was posterior so he was in a terrible position. My midwife said posterior babies are usually late, and long labors. which explains my labor with Bryson because he was also posterior. Thursday I was bound and determined I went for another induction acupuncture and you know what? I started to have contractions, nothing crazy but they were contractions. My acupuncturist checked my points and said "giiiiiirrrl your getting close". Hooray!! I left his office drove home, went for a nap and those stupid contractions stopped. THEY STOPPED. So we went about our day and that night around 8 they came back, 10 mins apart. I put Bryson to bed and went to bed myself. Those babies stayed 10 - 15 minuets apart all night long. I could tell that he was stuck on my pelvic bone and until I could get him off this labour was going to stall. My body was working so hard to turn him and get him off, that my contractions were lasting a minuet and were so strong i had to get out of bed and get on the ball to go threw them. I would lean over the ball and say " up the hill, up the hill, up the hill" then at the top of the contraction Id say " down the hill, down the hill, down the hill, contraction gone". I would climb back in bed and fall asleep until the next one. At around 3 am I lost part of my bloody show, it continually came out until 6 am. At 5 am I could tell the baby was off my pelvic bone. 5:30 I woke Brett up and told him to fill up the tub my contractions were now 6 mins apart and 60 seconds long, but I felt great, I had my music on, my birth ball and I felt like I was in a good stride. My attitude was great and I was feeling strong. I texted Michelle (photographer/best friend) and my doula that I wanted a hour to be by myself and really get into the zone. 6:50 Bryson woke up, we gave him a card from his brother saying how excited he was to meet him today and a "mater" car and a book on CD he was so happy he kept saying "my brother bought me a mater". I woke my mom up at 7 contractions still 6 mins apart, I texted my doula to come now, I crawled up on all fours to go threw my next contractions and "POP" my water broke. At that moment my labour went from 0 to 60 in a second, I felt like I went from 4 cm to 10 cm in one minuet. I took my pants off and jumped in the tub. My contractions were now back to back and all I could do was scream at the top of my lungs threw them. It was like I was releasing the pain out of my mouth. I couldn't not scream it wasn't a choice it just was coming out of my mouth. The few seconds I had in-between I was yelling for my mom and Brett to call the midwife, doula and Michelle and tell them to get here RIGHT NOW. This baby was coming and all of a sudden I felt like everyone was going miss it. My poor mom was running to the phone in between, making me drinks and then running back to me to help me threw the contraction. My Doula arrived around 7:15 and man was I happy to see her.
(slide show/ video by my amazing friend/best photographer)
Its been 2 weeks since my sweet Torrey was born, what a gentle soul this little boy is. Very much the same as his brother. He is so chill and Ive barely heard that little one cry(Thank you jesus for that one) Makes juggling 2 kids a little more manageable. Bryson has taken his roll as big brother in such a beautiful way. He adores his brother, is helpful, and has a understanding of this huge life change that is very mature. I often find him nose to nose with him laying on the floor, holding his little hand and telling him things. It makes my heart want to explode watching the love he has for him. This transition hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies, the 1st thing that goes with any change in Brysons life is sleep so on top of caring for a new born in the night I am often woken up by Bryson very early in the morning. My patients is not the best on those days, but Im learning to just let it be and I keep telling myself it won't last forever, followed by some heart felt "I'm Sorries". I love the process of evolving as a new mother. Im wiser this time around, calmer, but yet learning this whole new world. I feel like my understanding of who I am as a mom is deepening and Im coming into my own more and more. These days are hard, magical, and humbling but Im love drunk off new born smells and enjoying it even with tired eyes.
Nite nite Friends
After I had Bryson I was traumatized of labour, I would look at a pregnant women and start crying for fear of what they had to go threw. I didn't want to give birth ever again and it took a long time before I felt brave enough to go down that road. So as the idea of another baby slowly started to sound possible, so did the idea of a completely different birth. I decided before i got pregnant that Id do a home birth, that if I was going to have a natural birth what was the point of the horrendous car ride, the strangers coming in and out of the room, and all the monitors and annoying questions. This birth, actually this pregnancy was going to be my own, my choices, my story. So at last that test had two lines and I now had 9 months to get really comfortable with the idea of labour. I hired my midwife (who changed my life), hired my doula, and started on a journey of looking fear in the face and choosing to go threw it like a freight train. This experience was the opposite of my experience with Bryson not one similarity except for the fact that in the end I got my baby. My visits with my midwife lasted a hour, we talked about feelings, health, and my body, we got to know each other. I gained 20 extra pounds this time around and Id be lying if I said that at first it didn't bother me, my eating disorder wanted to rear its ugly head. You know what though my midwife walked me threw this, she praised every pound saying "excellent" when I would get on the scale. She focused on what I was eating and would tell me "your diet is perfect, trust your body it needs this weight". Did I mention that I love her? Me and my doula became friends she was someone that I trusted, she understood how important this was to me and was my teammate. I started to mentally prepare for a marathon, I started to go threw the fear of terrible pain, exhaustion, and unknowns. I got mentally tough but allowed myself to cry over it. I visualized my whole birth often, multiple times a day as it got closer. I then had to conquer my biggest fear how my son would handle this, he was going to be ok right? We watched birth videos, we talked about EVERYTHING, how babies come out, what they will look like, what mom will sound like, how he can help mom, who is going to care for him while mom is working hard. He came to every appointment with my midwife and doula. The kid knows more about female anatomy then most male adults do. At one of my appointments as I went to get on the table he nonchalantly asked me "momma what is Mrs Marla gonna get in your vagina?" haha Toddlers. The kid was as ready as anyone could be, he actually still asks to watch birth videos haha. Ok now to the goods
My mom arrived on friday and just like with Bryson I now felt like I needed to get this baby out to utilize my time with her. So when my acupuncturist checked my birthing points and told me my body wasn't ready. I was bummed, he said I probably had a week, your joking right? I was Determined to prove him wrong. My doula gave me a induction massage on saturday, on tuesday I had induction acupuncture and still nothing!! Ugh. This baby was posterior so he was in a terrible position. My midwife said posterior babies are usually late, and long labors. which explains my labor with Bryson because he was also posterior. Thursday I was bound and determined I went for another induction acupuncture and you know what? I started to have contractions, nothing crazy but they were contractions. My acupuncturist checked my points and said "giiiiiirrrl your getting close". Hooray!! I left his office drove home, went for a nap and those stupid contractions stopped. THEY STOPPED. So we went about our day and that night around 8 they came back, 10 mins apart. I put Bryson to bed and went to bed myself. Those babies stayed 10 - 15 minuets apart all night long. I could tell that he was stuck on my pelvic bone and until I could get him off this labour was going to stall. My body was working so hard to turn him and get him off, that my contractions were lasting a minuet and were so strong i had to get out of bed and get on the ball to go threw them. I would lean over the ball and say " up the hill, up the hill, up the hill" then at the top of the contraction Id say " down the hill, down the hill, down the hill, contraction gone". I would climb back in bed and fall asleep until the next one. At around 3 am I lost part of my bloody show, it continually came out until 6 am. At 5 am I could tell the baby was off my pelvic bone. 5:30 I woke Brett up and told him to fill up the tub my contractions were now 6 mins apart and 60 seconds long, but I felt great, I had my music on, my birth ball and I felt like I was in a good stride. My attitude was great and I was feeling strong. I texted Michelle (photographer/best friend) and my doula that I wanted a hour to be by myself and really get into the zone. 6:50 Bryson woke up, we gave him a card from his brother saying how excited he was to meet him today and a "mater" car and a book on CD he was so happy he kept saying "my brother bought me a mater". I woke my mom up at 7 contractions still 6 mins apart, I texted my doula to come now, I crawled up on all fours to go threw my next contractions and "POP" my water broke. At that moment my labour went from 0 to 60 in a second, I felt like I went from 4 cm to 10 cm in one minuet. I took my pants off and jumped in the tub. My contractions were now back to back and all I could do was scream at the top of my lungs threw them. It was like I was releasing the pain out of my mouth. I couldn't not scream it wasn't a choice it just was coming out of my mouth. The few seconds I had in-between I was yelling for my mom and Brett to call the midwife, doula and Michelle and tell them to get here RIGHT NOW. This baby was coming and all of a sudden I felt like everyone was going miss it. My poor mom was running to the phone in between, making me drinks and then running back to me to help me threw the contraction. My Doula arrived around 7:15 and man was I happy to see her.
I yelled and yelled threw every contraction, she rubbed my back, held my hand as I squeezed it to death, and talked me threw it. All I could think was get this midwife here and Michelle NOW like right now. It was the longest 20 minuets of my life. I kept saying "where are they I need to push, where are they, tell them to run" One of my midwifes helpers arrived, then my midwife and other mid wife helper at 7:45 and Michelle was right behind them. I could hear Bryson and Brett reading stories beside me and every so often Bryson would come over and take a peek at me.
My midwife checked me and I said " Am I 10 CM" She laughed and said "oh honey put your hand down there your babies head is a inch away" Ok baby time to come earth side. Everyone said I needed to get on all fours, I reluctantly agreed.
With my butt in the air contractions came like a freight train, back to back to back. I had my arms wrapped around my doula and feeling desperate for this to now be over. I kept asking "how much longer" I needed a break. Finally his head came out, but not the rest of him. I heard my midwife ask "how long?" the other mid wife said "3 minutes". My midwife said "Kirista we need to get this baby out you need to stand up". My doula held me up and my midwife helped the babies shoulders (that were stuck) come out and all I remember is looking down and there was my baby.
It was over, it was actually over. 8:22 am I scooped up my brand new baby boy and sat down, amazed that this little being was in my body and was now out, its surreal giving birth. I looked up and there was my oldest baby, now a big brother, he was so brave and so happy to meet his baby brother.
There was a lot of blood in the tub so the midwifes needed to get me out to see what was going on. I climbed out, holding my baby still attached by the cord and sat on the couch. My midwife checked me and determined that it was my placenta detaching suddenly because of the trauma of the baby being stuck. I sat on the couch with my baby on my chest for 45 minuets while everyone worked around me, getting me drinks, a pillow, helping me get comfy.
I delivered the placenta and Bryson and Daddy cut the cord, and everyone helped me into my bed. I just laid in my bed and loved on my babies, ate food and talked with all the ladies. It was amazing, it was a labour of love, it was women supporting women, it felt just the way it should feel. I had a birth tribe, for how intense my labour was I never felt alone, I had a team guiding me every step of the way, every women deserves to birth this way. This birth was far more painful then Brysons birth. For that hour it was insane, unbearable, but with that much love and support the unbearable becomes bearable. I don't fear birth anymore......
Its been 2 weeks since my sweet Torrey was born, what a gentle soul this little boy is. Very much the same as his brother. He is so chill and Ive barely heard that little one cry(Thank you jesus for that one) Makes juggling 2 kids a little more manageable. Bryson has taken his roll as big brother in such a beautiful way. He adores his brother, is helpful, and has a understanding of this huge life change that is very mature. I often find him nose to nose with him laying on the floor, holding his little hand and telling him things. It makes my heart want to explode watching the love he has for him. This transition hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies, the 1st thing that goes with any change in Brysons life is sleep so on top of caring for a new born in the night I am often woken up by Bryson very early in the morning. My patients is not the best on those days, but Im learning to just let it be and I keep telling myself it won't last forever, followed by some heart felt "I'm Sorries". I love the process of evolving as a new mother. Im wiser this time around, calmer, but yet learning this whole new world. I feel like my understanding of who I am as a mom is deepening and Im coming into my own more and more. These days are hard, magical, and humbling but Im love drunk off new born smells and enjoying it even with tired eyes.
Nite nite Friends
Thursday, September 18, 2014
the lack of a village
My last days of being a mother to only one little boy are coming to a end, and the arrival of my second son is fast approaching. I remember approaching 40 weeks pregnant with Bryson and crying because I just wanted him to come out. This time feels different as my pregnancy comes to a end I find myself wanting to hold onto it just a little bit longer. Im gonna miss this bump, its become my sons pillow, the resting place for his snacks, and a great little shelf to sit on while I carry him. This bump has become so much more apart of my body then it did the 1st time and it will feel very strange to have it all of a sudden gone. My mom arrives tomorrow in which part I become a ticking time bomb and will want to evict my baby. I get 2 weeks with a village (if you know my mom that women is a village all on her own) 2 weeks of help around the house, 2 weeks of extra love and adoration for my son, and 2 weeks of just having someone around that fully understands what Im going threw. Sometimes I feel mad that my family lives so far away, most the time it just saddens me. If I could pack up my husbands business, get him a green card, make my husband like the rain, and move us I honestly would. Living without a village is tough, its not only tough its scary. When I got pregnant for the second time all of a sudden I had to start thinking about who could take care of my son if I had to be in the hospital, or on bed rest, or if something happened to me. That thought is frightening, to have to rely on your mom flying in from canada and all the stars alining that you have your baby, recover and get on your feet while she is here is tough business. Not having someone to call when you have been stuck inside with two kids, haven't slept in weeks and think you might go insane is terrifying. I started mentally preparing myself for these times, the times where I want to pick up the phone and say MOM I NEED YOU. Its easy to be the mother you want to be when your rested, and your cup is half full. It feels damn near impossible when your exhausted and running on empty. Ive started to tell myself that Im capable, Im strong and I can be the mother I want to be despite my lack of a village. Ive been breaking down expectations that I hold for myself and giving myself the only expectation to be honest with myself and to stop and breath. That when moments start to go array and my world feels like it could spin out of control that Ill stop and breath and realize that my toddler doesn't need to take a nap right this second, or the dishes don't need to be done, or that errand can wait till tomorrow. This will be my self care, this will be my gift to myself. A author I love said once "life is long, there are many chapters after this one" Its true life is long and right now Im momma to young babies that some days suck everything out of you and you go to bed more tired then you ever knew possible. There is no such thing as balance in my life, Im momma to bryson and baby B and wife to Brett and for right now Im in love with that and happy with that and feel up for the challenge to rise to the person Im intended to be in this chapter. There is so much time for me, heck I lived 22 years for myself these years of having young children can be lived for them. Ive got this, and on days that I feel like I don't Ill stop and breath and thank the lord tomorrow is a new day.
nite nite friends
nite nite friends
Friday, July 4, 2014
The journey
I found myself the other day complaining yet again about being hot, pregnant and how I can't wait till september. I then realized I never get this back, I never get my second pregnancy back. September will come and if I don't learn to just "be" in this time Ill find myself wishing for more time to pass. Where am I in such a hurry to get to? Wherever it is I want to go I will surely get there so I need to enjoy today for exactly what today is.
I remember when Bryson was a baby, heck even a toddler and Id just wish that he would sleep threw the night. Guess what at the age of 2 he started sleeping threw the night every night just like I had wished. You know what I was sad that I wished away those nights of picking him up out of his crib at 2am and brining him into my bed and smelling his sweaty head, and laying in the most uncomfortable positions and waking up to tiny eyes and a little voice that said "HI". I miss it just like Ill miss my second pregnancy. So Im writing this to my future self to not wish for time to pass, or milestones to be learned, or independence to be conquered. Enjoy, enjoy today for what today is even if your tired, or hot, or grumpy, or huge and pregnant. This is the journey of life and its amazing.
I remember when Bryson was a baby, heck even a toddler and Id just wish that he would sleep threw the night. Guess what at the age of 2 he started sleeping threw the night every night just like I had wished. You know what I was sad that I wished away those nights of picking him up out of his crib at 2am and brining him into my bed and smelling his sweaty head, and laying in the most uncomfortable positions and waking up to tiny eyes and a little voice that said "HI". I miss it just like Ill miss my second pregnancy. So Im writing this to my future self to not wish for time to pass, or milestones to be learned, or independence to be conquered. Enjoy, enjoy today for what today is even if your tired, or hot, or grumpy, or huge and pregnant. This is the journey of life and its amazing.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
An eleven year old girl…..
Our deepest wounds surround our greatest gifts.
Laying awake one night I asked myself "Am I living in such a way that I exude the fact that I am wholly loved" I said "no", I asked myself "Why", "because I don't feel worthy of being wholly loved". As I lay there with tears streaming down my cheeks I realized I still have lots of healing to do I still have pain that I haven't yet worked threw, I still have a story to tell. Although pain is real and inevitable it shouldn't weigh us down, it shouldn't hold us back. My God sent his son to die so that pain no longer determined my worth but that he did. That his love determined my worth and I was and always will be worthy.
I was always a sensitive kid, I hated being in trouble, I feared a lot, I always felt unsure. At the very young age of 11 I started to develop bad skin, I had these tiny bumps all over my forehead. At 11 no one has zits kids don't even really know about zits, this made me very self conscious. I remember at a friends sleepover one night her mom had bought her clean and clear cleansing pads and I remember thinking "maybe if I use enough of these I can get rid of these ugly bumps". The next morning we were in the car with a group of girls and my friend said to everyone "Last night Kirista used so many of my cleansing pads to try and get rid of these bumps on her face". I remember feeling mortified I wanted out of the car Right. This. Second. From then on the bumps would continue to get worse and move all over my face. I felt ugly, ashamed, confused. The middle of grade 6 we would leave my home city of vancouver and move 4 hours away to Kelowna. If any of you ever moved as a child you know how scary it can be. New city, new school, and worst of all new people. The 1st day of school I was terrified, I wanted to hide, I didn't want to be the "new girl", I especially didn't want to be the only girl with bad skin. I started to create a lot of anxiety over my skin, I hated it, the utter site of my appearance made me feel disgusted, almost un-human, like a monster. It didn't help that I was very tall, skinny, and hunched over in a way to try and make myself disappear. Kids at school started calling me "the hunch back of notre dame" Or "Quasimoto" and started to point out my skin. I hated myself, I hated my skin. At night I would take a face cloth and make it steaming hot and cover my face with it in a hopes to burn my zits off, I was desperate. I was to scared to ask my mom for makeup out of fear that she might say no, so I started stealing hers. Every morning before school I would stress out about how on earth I was going to get into her bathroom steal some makeup and then get out of the house without her seeing me wearing it. After school I would take paper towels from the bathroom and hide in the bushes washing all the makeup off my face. Once i started going to middle school it became worse, the stakes are higher in middle school the way you look matters far more then it ever did in elementary school. I started to lie to my parents and tell them I had basketball practice or volleyball practice in the mornings so I could leave the house earlier than anyone else and hide at my old elementary school (which was on the way to my middle school) Literally as it was still dark out and sit by the little outdoor light of the school. Caking my mask on. I sometimes would fall asleep against the brick wall because I would be there so early, the janitor often would see me and ask if I was ok. Id walk to school with my friends and then after school hide in the bushes by my house and wash my face then go inside run downstairs and shut my door. To my parents I was a terrible teenager, with a terrible attitude, I was anti social and preferred to be by myself. In reality I was hurting, I was really suffering, I was confused and had no idea how to communicate what I was going threw. I never had friends over because nobody could ever possibly see me with no make up on. I was terrified to go places in fear that I might see someone I knew. I would cry myself to sleep begging God to just please make my skin clear up. I hated sneaking around and lying it was really stressful and I would spend my time thinking about it all the time. Ill never forgot walking out of school one day and seeing my parents friend and thinking she was there for some reason to pick me up. I panicked she couldn't see me with all my makeup on and drop me off at my house. I ran into the field pretending I was searching for something in my bag but was frantically trying to get all the make up off my face. When I got to her car she said she wasn't there to get me but someone else. Ummm I have to walk all the way home? with no make up on? I started to freak out inside, I put my hood over my head, I walked as fast as I possibly could with my head down not looking at anyone, praying no one would recognize me. I was a monster unfit to be seen by the public. My skin would continue to get worse and I will never forget the day my mom bought me make up. My days of hiding and sneaking around were over, I got to get ready at home in the light of my bedroom mirror. This didn't change the way I felt but it took some of my stress away. A boy by the name of Sandy Christiansen,( I don't remember to many people from middle school but I will never forget his name) One day in class was looking at me and counting I said "what are you doing" he answered "counting all the zits on your face". You know when you believe something to be true about yourself but then when someone confirms it you know its really true. This was more validation of just how disgusting I looked. I would then be starting high school HIGH SCHOOL I can't do this I can't be this ugly. My poor mom really at this point was trying everything to help me clear up my skin (we tried EVERYTHING) finally we tried accutane which is so terrible for you but honestly whoever invented that drug I want to kiss you. My skin would become clearer than clear it was AMAZING! For the 1st time in my life I was pretty, I was no longer a monster. This new found confidence was dangerous because deep down inside I was still hurting, I was still shouting the question AM I WORTHY, but I was looking for the answer in the wrong places. I started determining my worth by how popular I was, I started putting it in guys. The hurting girl inside me was desperate to be anything but that monster I once was so I lived for the feedback of others. This is where my eating disorder would stem from, I could never go back to being "ugly" so I desperately needed to be beautiful in societies eyes. I made a lot of mistakes in high school, I did a lot of things I regret. In a lot of ways i feel like I was robbed of my adolescent years, because I never got to feel like what it would be like to just be Kirista. I never got to meet myself because I was always hiding from myself. Ive had a lot of anger welled up in me and it feels good to share this so I can rid myself of it. I don't write this for a pitting party trust me Ive had enough of those late at night by myself. I write this so that if you to at any point in your life ever felt or feel like a monster, your not alone. I can't take your pain away but I can understand it. I know this we are children of the King and we are worthy. In one of Brysons story books Jesus if talking to the donkey he will be riding into Jerusalem this donkey is young, weak and small and his whole life he has been deemed as un worthy. Jesus says this to him: "My help is enough; its all that you need. It's all you require in life to succeed. The weaker you are, the more strength I give. Ill be there to help you as long as you live. I know you feel tired and frightened and broken, but do you believe these words that I've spoken?
Yes lord I believe.
Nite nite
Kirista
Saturday, March 29, 2014
From 3 to 4
Ive been M.I.A around here these days and I strictly blame it on the fact that my eggo is preggo and to say its been tough is a understatement. Being pregnant with a toddler is a whole different ball game, my pregnancy with Bryson was a breeze. I was nauseous for 2 weeks at the most and only in those 2 weeks did I have cravings. This time around its been months of being sick, exhausted and wanting to kill someone for noodles and hot sauce. I sit and day dream about spinning a fork into a bowl of noodles drenched in hot sauce, I also would give my left leg for cake, cake, cake and more cake. Honestly come on baby your killing me. My husband has also maybe been home by dinner 4 times in the last 3 months, so its been Bryson and I figuring things out.
Ive had a lot of mommy guilt, If I'm honest Ive stayed awake a lot thinking. For one, threw my last 2 years of research on health the one main thing I learned is your diet in pregnancy determines a lot of things for your child, and the fact that I literally vomit when I see meat is more than frustrating to me. Secondly my milk supply has pretty much vanished and yes I understand that I nursed my son till he was 2 and that is plenty long, but Bryson is picky and I always rested assured that he was getting what he needed from me, now I worry when he refuses to eat meat and wants to eat fruit all day. It was also my safe haven when he was sick, I never had to worry about him being dehydrated, or if he refused medicine it was ok now its a different ball game.
Probably my most heartache is that Im mourning the end of a very big chapter in my life. The days of just Bryson and I. My husbands business has always been very demanding, He went back to work the day after Bryson was born, so it has been me and my son since day one figuring things out together. Bryson changed me, he not only made me a mother but he excepted me and adored me for exactly who I was. He inspired me to be better, to reach outside my comfort zone, to challenge what I knew. He is my buddy, the reason I am alive, and I just don't want our relationship to change. This in no way shape or form has anything to do with my new little boy, Im thrilled, in love and can't wait to meet him. This is life, the natural progression of it, time goes by, things change, I get, I like it, I just need to mourn it for a second. I need to mourn the loss of my 1st borns babyhood, the loss of my breast milk, and the quickness of life. I need to rejoice in gaining a beautiful gift of life, Rejoice in my family, rejoice in the natural progression of time. For thats what life is chapters ending and new ones starting over and over and over again.
Night Friends
Ive had a lot of mommy guilt, If I'm honest Ive stayed awake a lot thinking. For one, threw my last 2 years of research on health the one main thing I learned is your diet in pregnancy determines a lot of things for your child, and the fact that I literally vomit when I see meat is more than frustrating to me. Secondly my milk supply has pretty much vanished and yes I understand that I nursed my son till he was 2 and that is plenty long, but Bryson is picky and I always rested assured that he was getting what he needed from me, now I worry when he refuses to eat meat and wants to eat fruit all day. It was also my safe haven when he was sick, I never had to worry about him being dehydrated, or if he refused medicine it was ok now its a different ball game.
Probably my most heartache is that Im mourning the end of a very big chapter in my life. The days of just Bryson and I. My husbands business has always been very demanding, He went back to work the day after Bryson was born, so it has been me and my son since day one figuring things out together. Bryson changed me, he not only made me a mother but he excepted me and adored me for exactly who I was. He inspired me to be better, to reach outside my comfort zone, to challenge what I knew. He is my buddy, the reason I am alive, and I just don't want our relationship to change. This in no way shape or form has anything to do with my new little boy, Im thrilled, in love and can't wait to meet him. This is life, the natural progression of it, time goes by, things change, I get, I like it, I just need to mourn it for a second. I need to mourn the loss of my 1st borns babyhood, the loss of my breast milk, and the quickness of life. I need to rejoice in gaining a beautiful gift of life, Rejoice in my family, rejoice in the natural progression of time. For thats what life is chapters ending and new ones starting over and over and over again.
Night Friends
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